I’m Just Saying… Farewell!

It’s with great excitement that I announce farewell to I’m Just Saying.

It’s not the end of my writing however. I have just blissfully moved on from the past. What do they say… stop living in the past because you can’t move forward. Well that’s where I am now.

I have reached the point where 5 years of remembrance and tears and and and is enough…lol!

The weeds have been removed, the soil has been turned over and the flowers that were prepped and planted through this cycle, are now in bloom.

Spring had sprung and the hard work of the green thumb had reached the point where I can sit back and enjoy the blossoms of my labour.

Considering I have no green thumb and have never had an interest in gardening, these metaphors are quiet surprising and may just find inspiration in gardening,

Hold on to your hats!!! New blog to come, I will keep you posted on when it begins.

Featuring the creativeness an whole bag of tricks to blow your mind, inspire your soul and unleash your inner-creative. Apparently not only can I write, but have a whole lot hidden talents to unleash on the world.🤪

Thank you for travelling with me on the road to self healing and truly hope I helped or inspired at least one of you❤️

I love you

XXX

No Truer Word Said In Jest…

As much as bad experiences can’t be referred to as Jest. Maybe in days, weeks, months or years the phrase “one day you will look back and laugh about this”. Maybe then Jest would be fitting. 

Until then Jest is just a cruel play on words that inevitably turn a bad situation into chaos in an unforgiving place.

Depeche Mode sang “Shake The Disease”. Which is so true to form especially when emotions run high.


How many times in how many situations have we not been guilty of this?  

I know myself, and purely through frustration I hear the words slip off my tongue and by that time the damage is beyond repair and I carry on.

Those words so ruthless and harsh. Why? Trying to push back that heartfelt pain by the use of words, only wanting the pain to be felt…. Unfortunately it doesn’t work that way and what starts off cool, calm and collected evolves into a flurry of insults within that first second of hopeful calm conversation.

I always wonder where it all comes from? I mean one minute it’s starlight eyes, never ending promises and happily ever after to all hell on earth. It has to come from somewhere and certainly no Truer Word Said In Jest though in such case Jest can be momentarily exchanged for Gut-Wrenching Heartache.

Just for that moment all those thoughts and feelings that once crossed your mind that was bad, the opposite of love. That guilty thought that left you silently shaming yourself  while you fill up your thoughts with all things great and perfect to eliminate those bad thoughts. Until the opportunity arises and “Cherry On The Cake” is placed. It bubbles and boils and explodes and half the venomous words spoken are so far off the beaten track but stopping is impossible.

I truly wish we had the Erase and Rewind function in life…

To remain calm is futile and the constant reminder of whoever’s voice is raised has lost… How many times we hear this and try live by it?

There comes a time when even the calmest become infuriated and frustrated.  There comes a time when those words that have been locked up inside for too long are going to burst out and nothing can stop it.  What’s done is done and the aftermath is so brutal in every way. To know that what was can be no more so knowing it’s going to happen maybe controlling who the victim will be might save face. Once it’s done it’s done and those words will forever longer no matter how much forgiving can be given.

Now to try and work on self forgiveness. The scars of your own words can be more damaging to yourself, guilt and shame to follow…

Erase and Rewind… I’m changing my mind….

The Lost Years…

Those feelings of sadness, loss and anger. Those feelings we think we have overcome with each passing year. Just when you think you’ve won! That battel of emotions toying with your mind and heart, with no control over it, like a puppet on a string. Darkness has come to Play with a menacing delight at my turmoil, to poke at my thoughts and create that fear of forgotten tears.

Yeah, I’m pretty pissed that my life got effected by a suicide that altered my perception. Broke my heart and soul and threw me into a frenzy of terrible decisions and horrible choices.

Except of course this last year… Not only the 5-year anniversary of a death, but a wonderful 1 year anniversary of a “never saw it coming” very blessed relationship.

I felt the change within those first 3 months of this year. Sadness became non-existent, memories became a scrapbook of my past. Even when I spoke about him, it was positive and the funny stories replaced the anger stories and gradually “missing him” become part of that scrap book too. Ragnar was definitely a God send. I felt raw, open and vulnerable to this relationship, not negatively but almost like the first-time feelings. All the anxiety, tears and complete loss for life was disappearing and eventually died. Just like his decision to die so did my sorrow. A decision to let it all go and to experience a complete fresh start.

It’s been pretty awesome. The vulnerability of my emotions was a complete change for me and I felt free of the burdens and heaviness of that lose which I was living with for the past 4 years.

So, the rush of unexpected emotions and tears of the past 3 days have left me feeling very unnerved and blindsided.

Sunday night became a flurry of tears. Not one or two tear drops like so many times previously. Nope this was full sobbing, snot-en-trane. Which caught me by surprise. I had to force myself to feel what had brought this on.

Complete anger, disappointment and sadness. It felt like nothing I ever felt before and the more I soul searched the more It became clearer… For the first time, on the anniversary of his death I wasn’t shedding a tear over a fond memory of him and another tear because I missed him. This time I was sobbing over me. My emotions, my feelings, how this terrible event had an effect on my life that fills me with anger and disappointment.

I’m just hoping this is a part of the grieving process, but isn’t anger the first step?

I’m just saying
Xxx

Happy Birthday C

Happy heavenly birthday Clinton Venske.

It’s been 5 years and today 16 October 2018, you would have been 43 years old.

Sounds old, doesn’t it?

I’m reminded of the many discussions where you said you would never see 40 years of age, and you never did.

I wish you could have hung on because turning 40 and the year after year after that is honestly the greatest. Your days would have still been heavy with your darkness, and I think you would have managed them so much better.

It really seems at 40 things become a little lighter and you kind-of-know where you are and where you’re going, which is all you could have wished for. Your last moments would have been laughter and your burdens carried with pride because you got through them and eased going into the next phase of life, your 40s.

I know you would have rocked this phase of your life, feeling self-assured and just not letting the little shitty irritations of life get to you. I can’t say over thinking stops but it definitely becomes less. You would be laughing more and those dark songs would have been moments from past memories rather than who you actually were.

So, I wish you a happy birthday. Tequila shots all around. Definitely not nursing that hangover like you used to because getting older may make you wiser but definitely weakens your constitution to handle alcohol consumption.

Cheers to you C, you are greatly missed! I’m still saddened your demons won. I’m blessed to have all those good memories to remember especially getting me through those challenging days.

You are always remembered and never forgotten on your birthday.

XXX

Be A Big Fish…

Big Fish

I recently watched the movie Big Fish with Ewan McGregor and Jessica Lange. A Tim Burton film and of course because it’s a Tim Burton film his wife Helena Bonham Carter also plays a role in this beautiful fantastical adventure of a movie. Up to now, and I could be wrong, but she has acted in every movie Tim Burton has ever directed, so while watching it the second I saw her I knew it was his movie… How’s that for dedication of a love story?

On that note Johnny Depp also plays in most of his movies too and the Godfather to their kids… A bit of trivia but totally in love with Johnny Depp and always been a fan of the eccentric Helena Bonham Carter.

Big Fish was such a wonderful story of love, adventure and, for me, perception of life seen through the eyes of a man with such an imaginative mind that after watching it the grass in my backyard looked just a little greener and the sky a little bluer.

It made me think that it’s not that we sometimes live with rose coloured glasses but rather it’s just better for our peace of mind. Reality is scary and if we expected to live in our actual reality I can’t honestly expect human kind to grow or create or innovate. We wouldn’t be able to move forward through life because we would be stuck knowing there isn’t a possible way forward with an outlook and future dreary.

Yes, it’s a stretch but after watching this movie you understand.

Ewan McGregor plays the main role and a storyteller of note, that when he falls ill near to death his son who married and with child on the way, questions his dad to tell him the truth of his life. The magnitude of his stories left doubt in his son’s mind and couldn’t accept that any of it was true. He felt embarrassed to hear the stories and thought everyone felt that way too, but couldn’t accept it was only him feeling that way. His insecurities too big to not accept the magical tales.

What actually happens is that every story he told was true he just added a bit of sparkles to, I Guess, make it more interesting to tell but it honestly was how this man saw life.

As he lived life and as he grew older those rose-tinted glasses faded and he began to see life for what it was. So instead of falling into that reality he changed it, renovated it and turned it into his rose-tinted world.

I do believe that he has the secret and it’s not the end of the world to embellish a dull story just a little. Or maybe changing our perspective and seeing and living our moments sprinkled with some sparkle then the story telling will be what it is as we lived and saw it through our sparkled eyes. There can be no room for lies but there could be a fine line of creating and living in a dream world, which could land us up in a mental institution.

It’s all about balance and keeping us motivated and happy to get through each day.

Doesn’t that sound like exactly what we need?

So why not live and enjoy your life with some added fairy dust.

XXX

Call me…

This piece has been in my drafts for a year now and decided to publish it, clearly at the time I was not playing well with others and wrote this.

Call me crazy, I will shake your hand and thank you…

Call me weird, I will invite you to a night of Clock Work Orange…

Call me dark or demented, I will let you visit my mind so you can see the demons play…

Call me a psychopath, I will greet you in Harley Quinn style “nice to meet ya”…

Call me twisted, I will invite you to ride the merry go round with me…

Call me whatever you want but I have been known to not react to being called Ice Queen, Heart of Stone, Fake, Heart Breaker, Liar, Unloyal, Heartless, Mentally Unstable, Trashy and a Tart. Oh, and I will introduce you to the people who made me this way.

The tears will dry and my heart will heal and for now I reserve the right to be one of the above at some point in my life when dealing with others. If you don’t like it or you feel I’m treating you in this manner, then you are obviously one of them and you’d better walk away.

Dealing with the devil and being played by the gamers can only show me how to play back and how to handle you. I have seen it all, heard all the lies and I decide when not to play.

There are the awesome others who have been through the same, hopefully not as many as me, lol. Your awesomeness will make you who you are and no one can take that from you.

Just be you, as I am being me…

XXX

Westworld… Reality of a alternate work

I found a new series – Westworld…


A combination of The Matrix and A Million Ways To Die In The West. Basically, and very slim on the details as I just started watching it. remember The Matrix where humans are actually controlled by alien type machines, our reality is engineered and for example our usual day to day of waking up and off to work, come home, family time and sleep is actually us laying in a cocoon-like chamber connected to this machine that with our body temperature creates energy to exist and live in our reality that doesn’t exist. Mind-blowing, I know…


A Million Ways To Die In The West, it kind of reminds me of it because of all the eccentricities and crazy in the movie, definitely has the same eccentricities of Westworld. I could add a few more but these stood out. 
So, imagine you enter a world like partaking in a game or acting in a movie and live in this world as if you always belonged the crazy part is the inhabitants of this world have no idea it’s all a game for the wealthy to live to the fullest. They have carte Blanche too do as they please, which of course involves murder, rape and carnage… so predictable of us humans. Forbidden fruit that’s why. 
Each day the inhabitants awake to the same day, with the same dialogue, going about their same routine but with very different endings… Groundhog Day situation. The visitors/guests interact with the inhabitants and are free to do whatever, whenever and to whoever. Some of the guests are either lonely or bored or they prefer this alternate world, in some cases the visitor falls in love with the inhabitants and visit as many times as they want. Going back to fulfil the same role they chose to play or go back each time changing that outcome each time, good or bad. The inhabitants never remember the visitors, so every encounter is a first encounter. One of the visitors regularly visits to consistently cause harm and torment. So, think 50 First Dates where Adam Sandler spends every day reintroducing himself to his love Drew Barrymore because she has short term memory loss. Well this is the same concept except the Adam Sandler part is played by an evil man who rapes and torments her on every meeting, him remembering every previous time and her in shocked oblivion because of her non-existent memories. Yes, it’s a generated world with inhabitants who aren’t real, but they don’t know this so every event is reality to them. 


You wonder when reality and this alternate-world begin and end. There is always that fine line in life especially when you are given too many options, like having your cake and eating it too except the one is more tantalizing then the other. 
It’s actually quiet an interesting concept that this series is based on and I wonder if our lives would be less chaotic and free of disaster. Imagine satisfying our cravings through an alternate world, always coming back to our actual reality and in this perfect world there would be constant peace and harmony… but for how long?
Human nature, the constant battle between good and evil. Ever evolving opinions and mindset that has no limits. There is no control so what’s after the alternate world when we become bored and need another craving satisfied.
Of course, all good things come to an end as you watch this interactive amusement park fall apart. Visitors that don’t want to leave the alternate world, a trigger-happy cowboy who shoots dead all the inhabitants of the town ending the day with other visitors not having anyone to interact with ruining the experience for them. Or the glitch that the inhabitants are beginning to either malfunction or start remembering. Where the daily routine of their scripted lives are beginning to change the more they remember the past visits or visitors. Imagine remembering you dying over and over again, murdered by the same person every time in the most brutal way? Or the inhabitants with full recognition warn the other inhabitants… chaos and turmoil on every corner. Literally. 
We are the beginning and end of our lives, of who we are, and always having choices and the freedom to decide where we want to be. We choose what is right or wrong, which means we have to take responsibility for ourselves, because we can’t go blaming machines or aliens or people controlling our thoughts on alternate worlds like Westworld or cocoons like The Matrix. 
In the meantime, I will sit captivated by Westworld and the concept that intrigues my senses and keeps me wondering.
I’m just sayingXxx

The Chloé Talk 101

I had an epiphany the other night, so crazy it left Ragnar and I in stiches. Me in hysterics and Ragnar wondering once again if I had lost the plot. I can still see his face lost in translation watching me waffle on about Chloé and Pigeons.

So as awesome, lovable and good natured Miss Chloé is, obedience is her fail point and trying to discipline her is like working on a project day in and out, blood sweat and tears only to find out at deadline moment the client decided on a different direction. All that time and energy and in the end completely futile… honesty was the best way to describe it.

Chloé is spoilt and, yes as mentioned through my blogs, has taken the role of my child, my only child as I don’t have kids of my own. I’m the parent of a four-legged fluff ball, who gets away with murder and rules the house… Ragnar and Miss Chloé have finally come to a mutual respect for each other, though showing who’s boss is still a game they play. It just adds to the comedy in our lives.

So back to this particular night which was last week, sick with flu which has been doing its rounds at the office and at dying point. I don’t usually visit the doc unless its DEFCON 1, I also don’t take tablets for every little thing. This day was DEFCON 1 and meds were demanded.

I now know why I had to take the meds before bedtime , half an hour to be exact and feeling so sorry for myself I was not waiting another second and took the tablet around 5.

It then dawned upon me that Chloé is not disobedient or naughty, I really think she doesn’t understand human talk. The pigeons on our roof keep her well entertained and the only time she sits up right and silent on best behavior wining and moaning in reply back to the pigeons… call me crazy but to get Chloé to sit, then sit still, for half an hour is not even worth the effort. 5am the pigeons arrive and it’s a whole day affair of communicating. Even the Kiewiet in the park protecting its eggs when it senses danger near them, is the moment Chloé gets her lazy bum up, with such determination and vigour she rearranges the house on exit to investigate, almost repositioning the sliding door with security gate onto the boundary precast wall. It’s insane and not very humorous when a trip to the bathroom or drink of water ends up with bumps and bruises and a mouthful of profanities which only a bumped baby toe can produce.

It’s an occurrence we experience every night, that we now tuned in with Kiwiet bird so already in preparation to calm the madness down. Unfortunately, the pigeons are the worst and still cannot predict or get use to this 15kg border collie lunging from her bed in one quick swift jump up onto our beds, at full force and worst of all not just landing on the bed but always and without fail landing solidly on our legs or the painful nether regions. She doesn’t move until her chat with pigeons are done and only then jumps back into her bed and falls back into her doggy dream sleep like nothing’s happened. This can go on 3 to 4 times a night. My only sanity is believing this abrupt disturbance at random times is her being guard dog and bravely protecting us against the danger and carnage occurring on our thatch roof. The pigeon nightly shuffle. However, I have noticed that planes on the Red Eye route encourage the same chaotic reaction.

The dogs can bark, gates and or doors slam and she won’t move an inch. Let that Kiewiet bird run around screeching in alertness and Chloé takes notice.

Don’t even get me started when it’s thunder storms and lightning, there is absolutely no sleep. Chloé goes mental and have to ensure she doesn’t dash outside because she runs around the pool barking at the sky. Some music or TV and a whole lot of comforting Chloé is all we can do to keep her calm.

I know that you thinking are you mad in allowing it but like I said she is my child and admittedly takes huge advantage as it’s the only time Chloé lets you hold her… unless you are Ragnar who gets all the love and attention but that’s another story.

Back to the pigeons and Kiewiet birds and by now we realise these meds are definitely to blame for these insane thoughts with me trying to convince Ragnar, speaking pigeon just might get her attention to listen to us… and just maybe finally teach her obedience. lol

I’m just saying…

XXX

Dust If You Must!

This is a poem I saw on LinkedIn and couldn’t believe the effect it had on me. 

How we spend our time creating this perfect picture of perception, missing out on life. 

I know those who would easily spend a weekend spring cleaning top too bottom, and they call that fun, they call that OCD.

Call it what you want and no judgment at all, I think I’m just grateful that little speck of dust, isn’t going to be my reason for missing a spec of life… Very grateful indeed, 

I’m just saying 
XXX

My Jet Setting Life of a Cargo Travel Agent…

These flights to Durban are so quick I mean 8:10 am board and arrive 50 min later. Short, sweet and to the point. A quick in and out or maybe all in a day’s work.

I was saying yesterday how crazy and even though I love the work I do, being a cargo travel agent is no fair if I can’t ship myself around the world.

It’s not ok that the long-stemmed glassware or crystal embossed vase gets to experience the life of Czech Republic while nursing an Absinthe hangover from the previous night’s party.

Or the Raw Silk Scarves bustling with the who’s who of the fashion world in Milan, roaming the city of love and amore…

My heart yearns to experience these worldly adventures.

So, in the meantime I will keep planning those lazy days on the beach sipping cocktails, or skipping down Abbey Road. A tear of appreciation at Jim Morrison’s tomb stone in Paris.

Wherever or whatever I will keep moving forward and love every second of my short trips to Durban or Cape Town.  Then again, I could settle into a Container and Export myself to wherever our resources are needed and takes me; desperate times called for desperate measures… Lol

You never know because that road less travelled never made my book shelf so I will keep on the road ‘till I’m worn out…

I’m just saying

Xxx