Maybe long distance doesn’t work…

I mean this is something I have believed to be true for a long time. Seeing that I have loved and lived almost every possible scenario why not try this. What is km when you talking about love?

My first apprehension is meeting face to face and seeing if there is a spark is definitely the first step into a relationship, so ok you chat to someone and you create an image of what you think he or she is all about and when you meet you hope the nearness of the reality check upon meeting them is close as dammit.

Like on line dating I have to come to realise that anything virtual is not a reality we want. Stories are made up and characters created, so in the end you falling for words and conversation at the gamble that when you meet the chemistry will come alive.

Everyone I told that I was doing this said that same thing, “long distance does not work” and it’s true.

Maybe in situations where you meet before hand and you know the chemistry is there and the chat and build the emotions from there.. And yes pretty sure there are a few people who haven’t met physically and meet over the technological way and that works for them.

Then there is the logistics of when you able to see each other and how often. What about trust and the other person not leading a double life or cheating, “while the cats away…” What if?

All I know is I tried it and no it doesn’t work for me. I want that physical connection and if I need to see that person then I can see them face to face. We need that hug on a bad day or just a kiss ans touch to feel love and I cannot rely on technology to give that to me.

I guess it’s just one of those things and in the end I know what will work for me and what won’t. And this one doesn’t.

XXX

It’s a different kind of love…

If I lived my life everyday believing in love then it would definitely give me the reason to live everyday.

No matter the challenge, no matter the obstacles, if love is in your heart you just overcome it all.

I have try to define love and put it into categories and yes if love is love how do you compartmentalise it?  I think you can and I have done that… Through my life, my ups and downs, my crush and my true love or my not so true love.  My parents, my friends my dogs… They all very different and I think we get so caught up in the aspect of what we think love is or what we been told it is as apposed to what it actually is.

Parental, siblings and family love:
Now my experience is that my mom and dad are my life. Three Musketeers and family unit no one can break through.  Why? Well I’m an only child and not by choice, we lost my older sister to a car accident 2 years before I was born and when she was only 16 months. I was born and my mom could not have anymore. The tragedy of course brought sorrow and a yearning to have wanted to feel what having a sister was all about but it wasn’t so and instead gave me the gift of having two parents who became my friends and allies too.  Yes we fight and yes there are always disagreements, expected if you going to raise a head strong girl lol.  They my life and the love I have for them is beyond any idea of what it’s supposed to be.

Crush love:
Remember the guy or girl at school or maybe it was the neighbor or a friend of a friend, but it’s the love we felt when we were at school. The crush love… Lol I had this one in primary school and one in high school. Awkward is not the word and wow it was my most embarrassing time ever. Of course they knew I existed because I put myself into situations where they had to have known, or I had friends who relentlessly teased me about it and made them know lol… it was fun times now that I think about it but at the time so horrid in awkwardness that even if they did know, my blithering, giggling, silly, blushing ridiculousness would chase them away.  They thought I was exactly that a silly little girl. Years later I also found out being a virgin until I was 18 also kept the boys away.  Which if I look at it now am very grateful but at the time thought I was a degenerate outcast…. Ai ai ai… Even while writing this I’m shaking my head. The crush years of couldn’t even sleep or eat or do anything I was just that… A silly little girl.

First boyfriend, husband love:
Majority of the time first boyfriends are when we into our 16 years to 18 years phase, majority of the time that is and I’m speaking from experience. We meet the boy and we fall in love… Where future plans and marriage is talked about and happily ever after.

Right so here we go.. A little more detail here… I’ve been married 3 times… Yip I said it and wow have I kept that a secret for a long time.

Husband 1:  first true love and also first boy to live with and dum dum dum loose my virginity to.  Dated, got engaged, moved in and got married all by the age of 22.  Met him when I was 17 he was 21 nice age gap and everything was perfect. Well not exactly…he didn’t want kids and I did, added to that friends interfering, too many late nights partying separately and eventually lead to a divorce. I’m still sad about this even though we forgave each other but hey life moves on and at 24 did just that.

Husband 2: oh deary me.  In s nutshell it was 4 years of hell. I lived through physical, mental and emotional abuse. He was a rebound that went so wrong I ended up loving a man out of fear.  He made me so dependant him I couldn’t do anything without him giving me permission.  Total nightmare and a love that was no butterflies in the tummy… This was almost a Munchhausen situation where the victim falls in love with the kidnapper or abuser… Yip that was me.  We got married after 4 years and while standing in that church I realised it was all wrong it was not how it was supposed to be and after a bruised and battered honeymoon got back and divorced.  Shortest marriage of only one week.  Even me as strong and independent and full of confidence and life cannot believe I put myself through this… Somehow this made me humble and I looked at life in a survival and I am strong mind set as apposed to the bratty princess I was.

Husband 3:  my knight in shinning Armour… He saved me from my torments and darkness of abuse. He was my knight on the white horse the man of my dreams who left me wondering where he had been my whole life. We had so much in common. He was my happily ever after and even envisioned us on our rocking chairs at 80 still laughing and having a good time.   Alas he had is own darkness that no matter how hard I tried to save or fix it was beyond all that. All the times I heard him tell me he would never see his 40th birthday I just kept laughing off… And after 10 years he killed himself.  In one way he saved me because to live with someone and love them unconditionally like I did was tearing me apart and on the other hand I felt the anger and the abandonment of the love of my life leaving me.    Something I wouldn’t wish upon anyone.

Heartbreak, rebound love:
This I know all too well.  After his death the numbness and abandonment that took over me was so overwhelming I put myself in situations where  I could feel the pain or just feel something.  Wow did I get myself into situations and unfortunately now sit with the idea that there are no more good people around and pretty much we live in a cruel world.  But, and yes I started my sentence with a but for all the vocabulary police lol, I grew into who I am today and even I’m proud and confident and have love for myself.

Religious love:
Born catholic and brought up in a Christian home, I was no stranger to Sunday school and church camps as a kid.  I said my prayers every night and at no point denied the existence of God or my faith.  I also grew into my spiritualism and found Wicca (white magic) and mother earth and the stars and the moon and brought it all together and it worked.  Unfortunately through my darkness and people I lost the faith in God and even in my spiritualism and until last year was so lost and so abandoned within myself I just couldn’t be around anymore.  A moment of desperation and Devine intervention and begged my mom to help me find a minister.  2 months of sessions and breaking of past bonds and I found my faith again. The love I have for God and the Universe is so magical and so beyond comprehension.   I’m not a Bible basher I do not go to church and yes I do blaspheme but I know where I stand with God. I know the commitment I made to him and his promise to me and nothing can take that away from me. Nothing… I love God!

To be continued…

Love in km…

The age old question… Can long distance relationships work?

If you like me then a huge resounding NO!!! I’m affectionate and need to have that face to face connection whether it’s fighting or talking or kissing or or or, no video calling or skyping is going to work.

Then I thought… Hold up! What if for so long I been doing it face to face and kissing and touching and and and, and what if that’s the reason it hasn’t worked out.   Maybe this whole getting to know you getting to know me from a distance is the answer so when you eventually do meet the basics have been laid out, you pretty much have gotten to learn and know about each other and now it’s all about the chemistry and to see all those long discussions coming all together.

So I’m trying it, it’s been so far 2 weeks and yesterday announced on Facebook we a couple. As you know if it’s not on Facebook it hasn’t happend and not true.  So far so good we getting to know each other, we have had our first argument and I am seeing him next weekend. Everything is in place for a recipe made in heaven, trust and honesty and openness seems to be our winning ticket and maybe just maybe if it goes the way we hope it does will be my forever after… Finally!

I love you

XXX

 

The Journey…

The Journey began feeling a little weary.

The cobble path we once walked, now bits and pieces

You reached out and took my hand

“will you run with me on the cobble path” you smile

“Yes” i smile and take your outstretched hand

Safe and Comfort i smile

 

The once fairy tale bridge we walked across so many times

All broken down and just rubble

You reached out to take my hand again

“will you jump across with me” you whisper

“Yes” i smile as i take his hand in mine

Confident and Warm

 

The end of our journey and the tears well up

The Majestic Mansion, our first date, our first moment

Dilapidated and wrecked into a haunting memory of what once was

You squeeze my hand tightly, you never let go

“will you have a picnic with me”  you look away, a tear down your cheek

“Yes” i whisper, my eyes misty

Love

 

Our journey through love has been difficult, but if we just cross that broken path, or jump over the torn down bridge or take what was once a memory and turn it into a new adventure a new memory.  Then we can skip along to whatever lies in our way.

You are home…

I love you

XXX

 

 

Round Here… it’s coming to that time of the year again.

Anyone who says “time heals” when you lose a loved one, maybe hasn’t really been through such a terrible ordeal and in no way, could they understand how hard it is to lose someone you loved, truly loved.  This person who you made a choice to be with, to give you heart and soul to, deciding to spend the rest of your life together.  Loving each other unconditionally and becoming a partnership that trumps all other relationships and becoming one.

Death is unforeseen in most cases.  Clinton’s death was suicide.  In Death we start making peace that God has made the choice to take that person from our lives, that it’s almost acceptable and maybe makes it a little bit easier to start the healing process knowing they in a better place or whatever it is we tell ourselves in order to deal with the loss.  Suicide is something that no one can comprehend.  It carries the dark emotions and feelings of anger, hatred, betrayal and not being able to forgive him  or me.   His decision left behind the questions of Why? Why? Why? Why?  In Clinton’s case I had all the answers but even knowing beforehand doesn’t make it any easier.  ‘If you loved me why did you leave knowing it would break my heart’? “Did you want to hurt me so badly it would be stuck with me forever?” These ever consuming questions.  With that comes the feeling of abandonment, regret and guilt.  No matter how many times you hear those words from family and friends and even strangers that it’s not your fault or don’t blame yourself, to make you feel better it’s a lot easier said than done because how can you not.  You have no one to answer the questions so you sit day in and day out mulling it over in your mind as to why?  I was there a week before it happened, I begged I pleaded I tried to stop it.  I always think I could have done that little bit more.

The end was chaos, the threats the tears the anger the fighting the distress it consumes you until one day you just shout “it’s enough if you going to do it do it”… yip those words.  They have haunted me and they play over and over in my thoughts like a melody that never wants me to forget.

So, four years later and still completely in love though something has changed, finally acceptance.  Four years of anger and tears and hatred and just thought consuming sadness.  it’s not like I can pick up the phone and scream and shout at him to get some nagging issue off my chest.  I can’t say I miss you or I love you and he says those words back.  How I miss hearing those words …

I have accepted Clinton is gone, I have forgiven him for thinking it was OK to make a decision like that which ultimately broke me.  I have forgiven myself because I wasn’t to blame, no matter how many times I have relived those days over and over there was nothing I could have done.  I actually am annoyed because I think what a silly fool he was to leave like that and so sudden.  He could have overcome the obstacles and everything would have been fine.   He really would be laughing about those hard times today.

I have tried to self-destruct, I have put myself in situations where I know I will be hurt, but its only because of the pain I was carrying around.  Anyone with a good heart I pushed far away because why would I want them to wallow in my self-pity with me, those people would not have understood but I pushed away because I cared and it was much easier to be around broken.

I think of the scene in the Twilight Saga, New Moon which is the 2nd book where Edward leaves Bella because he is trying to protect her and she puts herself in all these bad situations, because like the first time they got together Bella was in a situation and Edward saved her.  So she kept hoping he would save her again, by putting herself in dangerous situations.  She becomes so obsessed with  wanting to see him again that she creates this phantom image  of him which appears when she is unsafe to give her comfort in seeing him.  She continued putting herself in danger just to see this vision of him.  That is pretty much what I have been doing,  except my comfort comes from the hurt I feel each time I’m in a situation, to feel that pain and that hurt because I felt I didn’t deserve the happiness.  It has gradually been subsiding and I have decided it’s time to put that pain to rest.

I know now that I deserve better, I deserve to be happy and I can move forward.  I have got to the point now where instead of saying such horrible things about Clinton only because I was so angry, I find myself now talking about the good times, how awesome he was and that mind of his was something to be admired.  Everyone he met he had an impact on, and always leaving some memory of epic proportions behind with them.

So, on this fourth year of his death, and things have got better and yes time will heal but there is no limit to the time we have to mourn.  I’m not looking for another Clinton because there is no one like him in this world, nor will I ever compare anyone to him, but I will always have him in my heart never to be forgotten.  I have also grown and changed so whoever I meet will be different I’m sure, someone I can enjoy the next journey of my life with.

I’m proud of how far I have come, those hair-raising moments still scare me.  I still so much want to see him again and cannot wait for the day that I do, feel those big bear hugs and hear I love you just one more time.   That right there is why I am still here, I could not do that do that to my mom and dad, I could not put them through the pain I have felt, because I do not wish this heartache on anyone and I’m just glad I survived it.

Thank you, Clinton, for giving me 10 years of your life.  I have learnt so much from you and all I can say is you definitely equipped me with the tools and most definitely the attitude to face each day in this crazy life.

I miss you and I love you and until we meet again

XXX

Tap Tap Tap… bored of boredom!

Is it possible to reach a point in life where your spirituality, your existence and the realization of your life purpose all come together and all the uncertainty you ever felt or had just vanishes?  Or do we constantly search for the one or the other never actually feeling all three connect?

In my case my spirituality and my existence of living for the now are one and the same and have reached a level where I am so in touch with reality and life that the ending to any situation any story or any new beginning is almost a given and I know exactly what the outcome will be before I venture into it.

People and places of habit have become boring and their fickle ways and lives of boredom I find just bores me.  The once excitement of what the next encounter would bring is just another dull page in the day to day living of my life and that is when the question plagues me again… what the hell is my purpose.

I decided I am bored, bored of life, bored of friends, bored of new faces and bored of old faces.  Places, situations, conversations, trial and tribulations, dreams and goals – it’s always the same.  I have often wondered if I had had children would I have all this time to think all this time to be bored and all this time to ponder of what I need and what I want and how to fulfill my life without being bored…

Do I create the drama that unfolds because quiet is too boring or do I need drama to bring excitement …? Questions questions questions… a million and one questions that I’m now on a journey to discover and have set myself a goal, a challenge to take on that will quieten my busy mind.

The Artist’s Way – Julia Cameron

“A course in discovering and recovering your creative self” – I have the creativity I just lack the motivation and if it helps me to reconnect with my creative side then maybe I can just bring myself that peace of mind I long for.

Just maybe…

Day 1 – Today… So I have set myself this challenge and will tackle this 12-week course starting tonight… notebook ready for notes and motivation lingering on excitement to start and excitement to end and wondering what it will inspire.  However, I have owned this exact copy for 5 years and always get to the point of starting.  Chapter 1, pages are bent and raffled from being read and re-read but after that, Chapter 2 its perfection, not a single page being touched or flipped through, just brand-new pages waiting to be turned, waiting to be discovered and waiting to find that creativity that lingers in my soul.

Let’s see shall we.

XXX

Checkmate…

How do you even fathom the evilness of a person sabotaging a love that may or may not have been or may have had a chance but would never know because of the selfishness of a person.  Creating enough drama to get everyone’s attention to make them feel sorry for him.  No he couldn’t just let her go knowing how happy she would be, he played on the broken bits of her subconsciousness and bits of her broken bitter heart because he wanted her and her happiness meant nothing what only mattered was his.

The realization that this even can happen has to be the worst betrayal and use of a heart that I just struggle to wrap my head around.  What has happened that people actually live their lives like this… I always believed in free will and to see someone being happy because how could you watch someone who is crying inside with a heart so broken and just watch them and be happy with how miserable and broken they are.

Self sacrifice is not controlling the heart of someone you want but to set them free.  Or am I the only one who believes in this…

She sits at night and licks her wounds free of this man who took the one chance of happiness away and yes she should be happy to be away from him but to realize she was a pawn in his game of chess which he was a master at.  Teaching her the moves on those nightly games around the chess board on the dining room table, only now every minute that she is away from him she sees how every chess move was another betrayal of her love and her heart to satisfy his selfish wants and needs.

Check mate you won!!!

 

Steampunk Love

I’m sitting watching the waves crash on the shore line, wind blowing the palm trees and I can see vessels carrying cargo in the distance.
It’s a stunning day at the coast and my mind is wondering away.  My thoughts and feelings mulling around in my mind as I soak in the peaceful scenery that surrounds me.

It dawned on me that the theory of love and life is definitely not one and the same, the question of being able to live without love and can it be done is just something I have always answered no to, but as I sit here at this beautiful guesthouse away from the madness of home and the city of chaos I realize yes it most certainly can be done.

We are most definitely the creators of our own dreams and navigators of our own adventures, why the heart has to play a role for us is crazy.  There are other things to love, love of life, love of our existence in this world that spins at a speed that if we don’t stop and start living our lives not only we don’t stop now to notice the what if’s , bucket lists and wishful thinking, then we may just reach that stage of regret and “if only I had” moments when it’s all too late.

Relationships are a hindrance in our progressive state of mind…

It’s taken me 40 years to see this.  40 years of heart ache and tears after each bad decision.  I always say there don’t seem to be any good guys left or ones that can just be on the same trail of adventure and mentality like I am…. In actual fact, there never will be.  I am changing at an alarming rate, so much so that when a new challenge comes my way I already know how it’s going to pan out and can already decide for myself if it’s worth going through.  Knowing the outcome, I would rather not pursue It and have now realized my inevitable search for love and the happily ever after is not within reach because that childhood dream is in the past and well past its sell by date.

No instead I am happy to live my life for myself, equipped with the tools and strength and know how of what I have learnt.  I could steampunk my way into any direction I choose and can only ask to meet other hopefuls just like me and build friendships and companionship that will ride along with me into the great unknown of life.   More now than ever I know it’s a definite possibility of endless stories to dream and even better stories to tell.

 

 

My endless love…

Do you think it’s possible to love two people at the same time?  With my infinite abundance of love, I didn’t know it’s even possible.  I mean loving two or three different people in a life time is very possible, but to love two at the same time now that’s a challenge.

Well it happened to me and I really thought about this, loving these two men at the same time was really happening, and not love one and crush or infatuation on other, it was actual heart felt love, the forever after stuff.

It was heartbreaking to say the least, definitely something I never thought I would face… I can hear it now “Jerry! Jerry! Jerry!”   Very much a Jerry Springer situation considering the one decided to let everyone know we together while dating the other.  It came as such a shock to me as well as everyone.

In the end and not in too much detail but the relationship ended as soon as it began lol a whole two days to be exact.  I think now that it was sort of meant to happen because it made things more clearer on who was more matched for my heart and soul.  Through more broken hearts and tears it sorted itself out and things are happily all back to normal.

Now all we have to look forward to is those Christmas get together’s and how kak awkward those times will be but through time it will be a huge laughing matter… sooner rather then later.

So yes it can happen and I guess having very mature parties involved and the element of hope and love that is what prevailed this situation.

LMAO

I love you

XXX

 

 

 

Jar Of Hearts.Xxx who do u think u are?

 

“Jar Of Hearts”

I know I can’t take one more step towards you
‘Cause all that’s waiting is regret
Don’t you know I’m not your ghost anymore
You lost the love I loved the most

I learned to live half alive
And now you want me one more time

And who do you think you are?
Runnin’ ’round leaving scars
Collecting your jar of hearts
And tearing love apart
You’re gonna catch a cold
From the ice inside your soul
So don’t come back for me
Who do you think you are?

I hear you’re asking all around
If I am anywhere to be found
But I have grown too strong
To ever fall back in your arms

And I’ve learned to live half alive
And now you want me one more time

And who do you think you are?
Runnin’ ’round leaving scars
Collecting your jar of hearts
And tearing love apart
You’re gonna catch a cold
From the ice inside your soul
So don’t come back for me
Who do you think you are?

And it took so long just to feel alright
Remember how to put back the light in my eyes
I wish I had missed the first time that we kissed
‘Cause you broke all your promises
And now you’re back
You don’t get to get me back

And who do you think you are?
Runnin’ ’round leaving scars
Collecting your jar of hearts
And tearing love apart
You’re gonna catch a cold
From the ice inside your soul
So don’t come back for me
Don’t come back at all

Xxx