Distant Friends… forever in my heart.

I have to say that throughout my life, my travels and adventures, I have met many people.  Some friends, some enemies, some just acquaintances, but they came into my life whether it was for a long or short stay and through each of them learnt a little more of myself and about people.  The likes and dislikes, the users and the abusers, but regardless I believe each individual whether bad or good was there for a purpose to help me move forward.

I have maintained I am definitely one of those people who will never learn the first time around and getting my fingers burned is part of my life.  Yet as I get older and definitely can say the day I turned 40 it all just changed for me.  Right there and then I knew that any BS that came my way was not tolerated anymore.  In no way was I going to set myself up for failure with people who added no value to my life, who left me feeling more drained and empty then happy and alive.  This journey also helped me realize who was in my life at the times when nothing else made sense and my world was falling apart.  I was completely at fault in some way of pushing them away because my trust issues ran deep and anyone coming into my life was just there to take away from me.

I often look back at my bad choices over the last 3 years and can honestly say it’s when I was at the lowest point in my life that I met like minded people and in no way could grow or make good choices while they were around.  I found myself on a level and a place that was so dark that any helping hand that came along I grabbed without hesitation and latched onto it.  It’s cruel and its down right scary, but that little place of hope and happiness that I thought I was experiencing was delusional.   No one understood, ok my parents tried to, but no one else did, everyone just sat back watching my life fall apart like dominoes and instead of reaching out or asking why they just left me.   The funny thing at the time I was bitter left all alone but now I hold no grudges, no ill feelings and know I could not expect anyone to drop everything for me to help me… but, the part where I get confused is that I would, and I have done it in the past for people for friends for family.  That was the difficult part for me to accept and in the end I realized I am always going to that person, and to expect others to do that for was ridiculous. That’s when I decided that I had to put myself first, regardless of how selfish I came across.  It’s my time and have paid my due and I choose not to have any part of myself burned by another person, friend or family.

It really took me a ridiculously long time to learn  this, but I can also give myself a little break in that my darkness that took hold of me, the terrible individuals that were around me pulling me down was happening because of the sadness that took hold of me.  That helpless feeling of missing someone so much and there is nothing you can do to fix it because they’re dead, gone forever.  No one understood and honestly no one cared.  It is harsh to say these words but its the truth.  My friends were a few streets away from me but they had their own lives and I do understand that.  It was just incredibly lonely and incredibly beyond feeling rejection and sadness.

My gratitude and love is definitely to my long distant friends, without them I do not know how I would have survived it, or be sitting here writing this blog.  The thoughts of suicide and running away and just giving up were so apart of my every day thinking.  To say it consumed me is not even close to what it was doing to me.  All along they were there for me. A phone call, a message or plane ticket away.

My infamous toyboy that everyone frowned upon, the state this man found me in only to hop on a plane and come take care of me for over a year is beyond what anyone has ever done.  I remember the one night I arrived home from work another sad dark day, he had a bottle of Tequila ready and waiting, but not just a shot, no this was a to help me release all the anger, tears, frustration I had been  carrying around.  He locked the door, we sat on the bed and he did  not let me move until the Tequila was finished and I had purged all those emotions. Once that was done recovering from that raw state of mind was the most challenging.  He was young and vulnerable and not been through anything I had been through but he showed me how to laugh again, how to see light at that dark tunnel and most importantly how to love… love was my biggest lesson and challenge, because I can give with open arms but never felt I was worth receiving it.

His move back home wasn’t easy and hard on us both but he had to return to his life, with a kick and fuss he left but I will always be eternally grateful to him. This opened the doorway to predators and cons that entered my life… frightening to even think about it now and pure torture is the best explanation as to what I was going through and during this time my two beautiful friends 1,400km away worrying about my every move or decision I made.  I am almost sure since things have quieten down they are having withdrawal symptoms.

A call a message a plane ticket away, they cared, they loved me and no matter what time or day it was they were both there.  I did what I always do and push them away,  and I look back now and see it was because I didn’t want anyone to see or feel anything close the pain I was feeling.  I pushed and pushed and the more I pushed they pushed back and so grateful to that. I can be so stubborn this I know, lol.

I imagine a picture I once saw where the guardian angel is sitting with its head in its hands you can sense the shaking of the head and the words are, I wonder if my guardian angel is shaking his head at my situation.  Well these are my friends, because they are my guardian angels and to them I can’t express my gratitude for loving me unconditionally even when I pushed those limits to an almost destruction.

Things were not always so perfect, it became a standing joke that a trip to see them resulted in fighting and screaming.  The madness that went along with having 3 strong minded individuals, each of us fighting our own personnel demons, was the madness that kept our circle of friendship so complete and so together.  The emotional bonds we carry for each other is unbreakable and have no intention of ever severing the ties because our friendship has done the unthinkable and survived the holocaust of anything and everything thrown our way.

Some may not understand it and some may not get it but we do.  We understand that through our everyday struggles one thing is for sure each of us has a vested interest in keeping the other one happy, a call a message a plane ticket away… no matter the situation big or small, even a hunger pain mention gets a pizza delivered and its all from my best friends, who no matter how far they are will be in my heart forever, and just hope that I can be there for them too.

XXX

 

Social Media the new dating site or hook up place?

Lately on Social Media I get more and more requests to chat with all sorts of guys from all over the world.  It was becoming so bad at one stage I was permanently clearing out my inbox without  even seeing who it was or what they were saying.

It’s not even looking at it from a boastful place of how pretty my profile pic is, so lets chat, date and hopefully find my future husband to be.  I mean does that even happen?  Yes, it does, and if I didn’t know someone personally who it happened to I would say no.  He liked her profile pic and he said hi and today they happily married and I couldn’t be happier for them.  I was so shocked back then when I heard how they met and how it became a dating place, not just a place to keep in contact with family and friends around the world.

Oh how naïve I was then and have been. Apparently I been living under a rock because hooking up with someone on social media is very real and happens more often then you realize.  Now I am not referring to dating sites, this is completely about Social Media sites.

I have met a few guys, we all very good friends and only one I actually had a friends with benefits relationship with.  I was single and he was single so why not.  I guess it also depends on the groups you join and the pages you like. There are so many singles groups on Social Media sites no wonder everyone is meeting up this way, we all busy and have no time to actually go out after work and do the whole ‘looking at you looking at me’ attraction from across a busy room or a bar.  No now its in-boxing, and all based on comments made by yourself in a group or page you belong to or just your profile pic.

It’s all fun and you have to be vigilant about who you chatting to or meeting up with.  I have heard of some terrible stories, stalkers especially.  I would say if you chatting to someone and their page is filled with useless information or very limited posts about them, then I would be careful.

One thing I did notice, there are many lonely, desperate and horny men out there.  After two sentences of ‘hello, how are you’? You’re immediately sent the infamous dick pic which I hate to reiterate gentlemen, we ladies do not enjoy, well most of them anyway.  We enjoy conversation with mental and emotional stimulation, where as the man likes physical stimulation, yes we know this about each other.  So then you have to ask what the other party wants out of it because sending pics like this works for some and not the other and most of the time both have very different ideas of what the one wants out of the other.

So why the dick or vajay-jay pics…  well, again I have been delusional because it seems very common and very normal.  The interaction is completely through technology and it seems to work.  I however am still a little conservative, sure I am open to conversation and flirting but when it comes to splashing out pics of my vajay-jay I would prefer a meet up over coffee or drinks, old school style. See where it goes and if we happy then possibly.  I mean who knows what these individuals are doing with these pics in the first place.  At least get to know who you sending the pics to and receiving from, because I’m not saying its wrong I’m just saying be careful.

I can have lengthy conversations with whoever and if we connect then obviously the better the conversation  It’s great!  Yes I have fallen into the trap where the conversation is so great I do wonder down the road of, this could be the one.  Reality is a hard bite to bare and if you aware of it like I am now then that’s all it is, good conversation, no expectations and if you like who you talking to then the next stage begins which is always about hooking up for a shag.  It’s the reality of it all.

But there is that one possibility that does come along and it is over Social Media, and it involves a boy who is genuinely interested in that girl and its not just about hooking up.  They genuinely interested in getting to know you and the likes on your posts increase and the in-boxing starts and its real conversation.  Then the request to WhatsApp and then the call and then the first meet and its all just genuinely interest and conversation.  This person knows all about you, they have an vested interest in what you post and genuinely know who you are.  It kind of takes the worry about secrets out of the equation because you both know so much about each other.  So I have to say I agree that in today’s time of literally running out of time, there is a possibility to find love on the Internet. But it does come with a warning – there are those few that use Social Media as a gateway to lies and an interpretation of their life built on creativity to make them sound and look more appealing.

Always be vigilant and always be aware.  I can personally say that I have been misled and lied to, that the profile was not what it looked like.  How long can you keep conversation going without getting a little suspicious if they are unable to meet, forget long distance we all know that doesn’t work.   If they are constantly cancelling or coming up with excuses run for the hills, listen to your gut and trust your instinct.

You will always know…

XXX

 

 

I do…

Marriage… a little girls dream; white picket fences, kids and dogs playing in the backyard…

After trying it out twice, ok three times, it became a distant dream that I would find the one, the man, to spend the rest of my life with.  The first was my childhood sweetheart, met at 17 and got married, only man I had ever been with, my first love and at the time my only love.  I am convinced today that we definitely got married too young.  He was 26 and I was 22, life took over and we realized that we wanted more.  It was amicable; after 1 year and 6 months we went our separate ways and even to this day do still have the odd conversation and say hi.  We still loved each other but both knew it was the right path we took to split.

My second husband who I married 4 years later was nothing short of the worst situation any women could find themselves in. Abuse day after day and reaching the lowest point in my life where I was thinking that I was being asked to make life-threatening decisions daily; no matter what I did or said it was always the wrong thing.  Come to think of it each decision I made was costly and the thought of which one would be right was agonizing.   Luckily one week after I got married I realized it was fight or flight and had no intentions of trying to fight for this one so I fled. The marriage was annulled and I was set free, with thanks, to my third husband.

He came in like a knight in shining armour and to this day am grateful to him.  He undoubtedly saved me from a life and situation that tormented my every thought and feeling.  My soul was dead and this man saved it.  We were married a year later, completely in love… but with this love came great sadness as the internal pain he was fighting daily got him to a stage where he took his own life 8 years later.    It was the death and birth of me as a person.  Imagine being completely in love with someone and at the same time despising them.  As much as I loved him I hated him.  He challenged my heart, mind and soul. The relief that came over me was nothing except that, an exact feeling of relief, when he took his own life – followed shortly by anger, hatred and intense guilt that robbed me of ever trusting love from another person in my life again.

The topic of suicide has haunted me and something I will face in due course through my writing and blogs, and hopefully be there as a beacon of hope for anyone trapped in this scenario, because as much as you will it to be, it never goes away and it’s how you handle it.

So back to the topic… will I say “I do” once again, walk that isle to the man of my dreams?  Absolutely, because if anything I am a true romantic, a lover at heart and wanting to share my life with someone I love.

It leaves food for thought and is described in this beautiful verse from the Bible:

1 Corinthians 13:4–8

I’m not saying i’m Harley Quinn, but have you ever seen us in the same room together?

Aaaaahhhhhh Harley Quinn! Definitely my most favorite topic of all times. Ask anyone who knows me, my life revolves around this character and even goes as far as saying it is my alto ego.

Of course, it sounds deranged but honestly with all the heartbreaks and promises I have endured it made perfect sense. Her crazy was the product of loving The Joker and heartache she endured loving him.

I don’t even know how this started. Heard about the movie Suicide Squad of course and someone just said to me, that while watching Harley Quinn I somehow reminded them of me. Then it became a habit that everyday I posted a pic of HQ on my FB profile and it just grew from there. Even going as far as to call my Joker possibilities, Puddin…

In all this time I never got a chance to watch Suicide Squad, and honestly so bored with the Marvel Superhero movies I was like “not another one” so after months of researching and posting Harley Quinn, for the first time 2 weeks ago I watched Suicide Squad and oh wow, it was better than I thought and hell yes such a likeness in her ways and hidden smiles.

It’s awesome to associate yourself to someone, or something in this case where everything you ever said or did made more sense. My Harley Quinn life, and it all started with my heart, having the ability to love unconditionally and not seeing the damage been done and my innocence been stripped away from me. What else do you hold onto, but that slither of hope and imagination and well that’s how my Harley Quinn life began. I have a great sense of humor and even at the most tempestuous times when I feel like going into the line of Sniper duty, a pic of Harley Quinn ready to take on the world puts everything into perspective and becomes my psychotic outlet. At least no one dies… lol. Well by my hand, not yet! 🙂 Disturbingly private joke…

So my search for Mr Joker, as crazy as that sounds, has been, well crazy. I mean I wanted to meet someone who understood the reasoning why Harley Quinn was Harley Quinn and why I can relate. Not to create an actual Gotham World of madness and be actually mental asylum crazy.  I manage my crazy, lol.  It’s a way of life and that in itself became a nightmare.  I have met my ‘Puddin’ he is around, but due to circumstances out of my control we cannot be together, and that is fine.  It’s given me the ability to put this search into perspective and know that he is actually out there, living and breathing; not just a fictitious interest my alto ego manifested.

We all have a little Harley and Mr J in us, it’s how far we stretch our imaginations.  To what degree we can embrace this mad world we live in and invite our demons to participate.

Welcome to my Harley Quinn world… wanna play?

XXX

No more “Mrs Nice Guy”

The proverbial question that has ex’s and current relationships asking… can ex’s ex’s stay friends with ex’s?????

Personally, I am one of those ex’s that does stay friends with my ex’s and don’t have a problem letting my current BF or anyone who wants to listen to me know that I do. The reaction is a 70/30 split, with Majority not in agreement with this and the rest who agree because they’re also friends with their ex’s.

I have however in the last week been re-looking at this modern day friendship card and have come to the conclusion it is toxic… not only for myself but for my BF, who in all demises does not need to have to deal with ex’s of mine or me talking to them. What made me change my way of thinking were the two episodes that happened in the same day, from his side as well as mine.

His ex because they have a child together does nothing but cause his generally stable persona to go into a flux of torment as she does everything in her power to upset him. Now I know being older its really unrealistic to expect they don’t talk, but obviously as they have a child together it’s only natural to ensure this child still knows that regardless of the split she is still loved by both parents. Unfortunately, only one side agrees, the other just causes upheaval from one day to the next and sits helpless and angry that someone has the audacity to be allowed to do this to another person… I mean did they not love each other once before? Things didn’t work out move on, but no its easier to just cause day to day issues.

My issue was my ex’s who were always mulling about in the background, where I might add ex’s stay my ex’s. Never give them a second chance as the breakup was generally from their side and why should I give a second chance… and there it is…. why if they hurt me would I even be talking to them? (This is a whole other story/ set of stories that I will get to in future blogs.)

When the ex’s heard I was in a relationship well it was crazy to say the least, and all I heard was how heartless I was, ice-queen, cold-hearted bitch, you name it I was called it. Why didn’t I wait for them or give them a chance to see me to try again? Now let me be clear in no way shape or form did I say I wanted to try again, in fact the rule with being a friend with an ex is that it stays as friends nothing more… yes it works until you bring a new BF into the mix then obviously all the niceties and apparently genuine friendship conversation was replaced with call hang-ups and abuse, with the occasional tear from their side. I was genuinely now trying to get rid of these ex’s as this new relationship for the first time hold such high regard I definitely didn’t want an ex around attempting to disrupt my happiness.

Then I had to ask myself why was I keeping in contact with these assholes, who did nothing but use and abuse me. Was it an insane craziness that I knew I was tormenting them by staying in touch but not being with them, hoping they feel the pain they put me through? I realized happily NO!!!! I’m definitely not that cruel, I wanted them in my life because I felt that spending intimate time with this person would automatically hold a lifetime bond to me, and because they knew me would always be a friend to call on or just say hi.

The reality of this is so far from the actuality of what is happening. Yes in my mind its friendship and nothing more, but in theirs it was always keeping close to keep an eye on me, or ruin any decent relationship I was trying to enter into. A case of if they ruined it for me I would be in a lonely and bitter way and would go back to them because they were always there for me… its then I knew it is not supposed to happen like that, that an ex staying an ex is a rule for everyone’s sanity.

Staying friends with an ex goes against the law of nature and if there is any chance of a future with someone new it cannot be.

Break those bonds and move forward. Shut and bolt that door and don’t let the past come knocking.

XXX

Ode to my Glass of Wine

The Chocolate Block….

 

Nothing like a bottle of The Chocolate Block to sooth the stresses of the day… but this one, oh my word wins huge on the anytime any day award. Happy, sad, angry, crazy, sleepy, dopey lol whatever, it’s perfection in perfection.

Definitely a thanks to the Boekenhoutskloof in the majestic town of Franschhoek… oh, how I miss the drives into Franschhoek on a weekend when I lived in Cape Town. My home away from home is Cape Town.

http://www.boekenhoutskloof.co.za/chocolate-block

This delicious wine shared in the company of someone special or just friends and trust me no worries to treat myself to a few glasses sitting relaxing on my own. Ok admittedly a few glasses don’t cut it, nope The Chocolate Block is a finish the bottle kind of wine which leaves you feeling relaxed and warm inside. Definitely not to be drank should anyone drinking have the motive to get snot flying drunk…. no no, then rather buy the cheaper makes on the shelves. This wine is nurtured and loved and definitely treated with respect as the respect that has gone into making it.

Treat wine with respect and appreciation and promise it will take care of you. No falling down stairs with this one…

Delheim Pinotage Rose…

As this is the Burgandy refreshment (heard them refer to Red Wine as Burgandy in an episode of The Outlander…. mmmm Jamie Fraser, do not get me started as I plan to dedicate an entire blog to this amazing series. Ok admittedly I want to kill our heroin Claire but Jamie makes up more than enough for her tenacity… lol random note but definitely more on this series).

So as i was saying as much as I love my Burgandy wine I do struggle with those hot summer days, and in Cape Town when its hottest time is now, driving around the wineries I was introduced to Delheim Pinnotage Rose. Also, absolutely delicious, fruity, and refreshing but be warned can pack a punch on those hot days. I love this wine so much that a visit to the winery was a must and I ended up buying a case. Trust me it lasted a week, so had to make the trip back the following weekend… what a schlep… ummm not. Good excuse to have a lovely lunch at Delheim together with a bottle of the Pinotage Rose.

Women are really so simple its men that complicate us

I have honestly been through the good, the bad and the ugly.

Through this I have come to the same conclusion each time and that is, it’s not women who are complicated it’s the men that make us complicated. Women are naturally submissive in a relationship, loving their man instantly projects them into a space of loving and nurturing and its all to please the Mr in their lives. All a woman asks for and… OK well let me change that statement and say all “I” ask for… ‘me’, ‘Mrs’, ‘Cindy’, ‘love’, ‘babe’, ‘baby-girl’, ‘darling’, ‘sweetheart’, whoever I am to the person I am with. It’s all the same, I just want love, honesty, trust and respect. Mess with those four things and it would throw my emotions around and that’s when I would fall off balance. That’s when the complicated starts inside of me, the turmoil of feeling uneasy, unhappiness sets in, insecurity begins and the feeling of not been loved takes over…

All we want is to spend the rest of our life with this Man we have chosen, and yes things happen. Fights, work, families, life… it rears its nasty head and all hell breaks loose. But, that feeling that those four aspects bring to our hearts which creates the sense of safety and security can assist us in getting through any of these situations. Not having one of them, leads to endings rather than forever’s. Broken hearts are forever broken, they can never repair totheir full form, but rather look all stitched. Which in the end becomes a complicated heart, beating in a simple girl, which in the end makes her complicated.

I’m just saying…

XXX

Birth of A Blog

It’s here… it’s finally here.

After pondering over and over again to start my Blog, it’s finally here. The thing is I do have so much to say, not opinions but actual life events that have got me to this point. The constant nagging or comment to start my book and get writing from everyone who knows me, just met me or going to meet me.

I have written that proverbial book, 6 years ago but never had it published. 678 pages of magic, sparkles, blood, sweat and tears but it was in sequence and much too boring and mundane for me. I live and love the randomness of my life and my thoughts and of course blogging was and is the answer.

So it’s here, finally… Through the love of my friends 1,400 km away from me, my parents relentless commitment to having me as their daughter, to my new found life that makes me feel like the Princess I’ve always maintained I am…. in a non bratty way of course… and the undying love and loyalty of my four legged fluff ball Princess Chloé, as well as my new found faith in God. It is here!

‘I’m just saying’ is born…let me entertain you, make you laugh, make you cry but above all let me inspire you…if I could get through the trials of life so can anyone and in the end it promises to make you stronger, happier and fall in love with your life, because let’s face it, we only have this one chance.

Welcome to my life, enjoy the ride and share the greatness that love is, in all of us.

Hugs and kisses

Me

Xxx

Just saying…

Just saying…

In the end doesn’t everyone just want to be happy and find their place in this world. If you like me, have hit a few pot holes along the way or I guess in my case craters then why not when the opportunity comes along grab it because you know this is it this is what you been waiting for and everyone deserves love, peace and happiness. People often ask me how I have gotten to where I am now, how I push forward in life and not just throw in the towel and give up. I can’t give up, Yes wanted to many times but with love and support from my family, friends and all if you. I have battled my way but came threw each time, a little more bruised or battered but a lot stronger. So yes it takes a little bit of madness and laughter and my undying gift of love to get through the cruelty that blinds the goodness in each of us. I think I have with out a doubt earned the right to say no more! To stop putting everyone ahead of myself and at long last put myself first. It’s only been me that helped myself through the hardest times, be aware those dark moments i don’t blame anyone wanting to keep their distance, so why not give myself the gift of its my time now.

Loosing someone that you loved without a doubt is the most difficult emotion to live through, especially suicide because you left with the guilt and the why’s and and and, even though there was nothing that could be done. It’s almost 4 years I’m done grieving, done feeling guilty and done with people to remind me of it. I made some pretty hectic choices over the last 3 years but it was adventures and some were very good and lots of fun and others were… Well that’s a strength i carry deep in my soul that will never allow for those sorts to come back again. Trials and tribulations of life it’s more common then you realize and it’s how you overcome them.

My last hurdle was finding God and that was the toughest, but one thing is for sure believe, pray and have faith he is listening and he has heard me and turned my life around.

I heard these lyrics to a song someone sent….

“We danced and we cried and we laughed and had a really really really good time, take my hand let’s have a blast, remember this moment for the rest of our Lives”.

Make the best if it. Make the best of who you are. No one has the power to take anything from you except for yourself and that’s a sad injustice.

If you took the time to read this thank you… It’s written from the heart and with so much love.
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