Does not play well with others.

So I am beyond anger and disappointment, just tired of how the opinion of others seems to not even a suggestion of an opinion but a “well I am giving you  my opinion and you better just do it or listen to me” … I mean what the hell is going on.  I don’t want your opinion on who I should be or shouldn’t be or what i am or not doing right.  I think at 40 I have the basics of right and wrong and exactly where I should be and what I should be doing.

I’m sorry I had no idea your name was Cindy Visser and that you wake up every morning and go to sleep every night living in her mind and know exactly what she wants.  I honestly have run out of time and patience and just been nice.

I’m in shock of all horrors when I was recently propositioned by a friend of mine who is married.  When I said no he freaked out… but not even a little freak out this was epic.  I had to block him from WhatsApp and Facebook and he somehow made it sound like I am wrong and giving up an opportunity of a life time with him and what am I thinking.  Or the best was… I don’t know what I want.   Ummmm, actually yes I do and having extra marital relations with someone who is married is not one of them and the worst of it all is that he knew I am seeing someone.  Which for me was even more disrespectful, so because your life is a f*&# up don’t take me down with you.

So I wondered to myself what is going on… maybe it is me.  Maybe I am giving off the wrong signals or  sending them messages in my sleep telling them I want them and yes it is OK for us to sleep together even though you married.  It just dawned on me I am just too damn friendly, and when the shit does hit the fan don’t have the filter to say “go to hell” or “go f*$# yourself” no I just laugh and shrug it off and it seems its another move I have made to make them think I want this.

It’s sad really, because the one thing we do lack is a smile and sense of humour in this dark world we live in.  I am open minded and fun and always going to laugh at your stupid random jokes even though you’re not funny.  Why? because its just who I am and don’t want you to feel like a prat when no one else is laughing.  But hell no I am in no way desperate to sleep with a married man or any other man unless I actually tell you I am interested.  FFS I am confident enough that I will let you know, I don’t hide behind comments and flirts in the hope you know.  If I am friendly it is genuinely because I like your company and enjoy your jokes.  I have a warped mind, I swear a lot… and tend to let things come out my head while talking without thinking, now I know how Bridget Jones felt.  Its me, I’m not going to be anything other then me.

Unfortunately though and yes quite sad indeed but being this happy (fake smile) is not actually making me happy and opening more of those doors that quiet frankly would rather leave bolted tightly shut.  Too many outside issues and invitations that just lead to more complications and retarded situations that I never asked for in the first place.

So chin up and eyes front and yes smile on my face, while I loom in the darkness just observing.  Its safer its easier and it sure is well helps dealing with egotistical people who think they know how to handle every situation that i have been in and who can apparently write a book on how to live my life.

So my holiday from unicorns, sparkles and fairy dust has begun and looking forward to the darkness, the dragons and all things bleak.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

So no from now on I will not play well with others.  Yes I may not splash it all over social media that I am in a relationship, but why should I?  Ask me and I will tell you and anyone who has I have very much informed them I am involved.

This rant was awesome… I feel instantly elated I got it all out there and once again proves being nasty, bratty and full of shit is the way to be these days because no one deserves a smile or a little niceness along the way.

XXX

Mrs Nice Girl has left the building…

Memories of nostalgia…my life with Clinton.

Today I woke thinking of you and how much I miss you. That smile and laugh, those beautiful brown eyes that melted my heart every time I looked into them. That biggest bear hug that made all my worries and sadness disappeared, that made me feel safe and loved. I miss you.

Days carry on and still my heart aches. Getting over you was never going to happen no matter what people say. I will always love you and can’t wait to see you again, to hold you and feel that safe warm loving embrace.  Something I look forward to no matter how morbid it sounds.

My memories of nostalgia just for you…

When we met 2004. That moment our eyes met everything stood still and I knew you were the one.  Thank our career choice because it was logistics that brought us together. It wasn’t the first time though we had met already 2000 working for the same company and you putting on that Venske charm to get me to do your presentations.  It was short lived you were going off to get married and I was moving to Port Elizabeth. We always said that day that whole week we knew ans fate brought us together 4 years later.

Our first chick flick together… Lol. 50 First Dates. The moment I knew you loved them more then I did. A true romantic at heart… Something I have missed and found in no other.  Remember on my birthday every birthday you woke me up with a glass of champagne and Bridget Jones…. Lol yes I know a handful if tears I cried every year but you knew how to take care of me and helped me love and look forward to every year that came around.

Those crazy moments of madness… Same taste in music and in movies…could it have been any more perfect… Our collection of music and movies was phenomenal and still have kept most of them as every movie or song sends me into another beautiful memory spent with you. Tarrintino, Adam Sandler, the Millennium series with Frank Black that still haunts me every time I watch it. It’s funny because now I see through your eyes and the way your mind thinks.  I watch and gear completely different, I guess more dark and Venske educated but it’s awesome and enjoying the journey with you in memory.  Lol the funniest for me was the adventures we went on to find movies, and heaven help me if I suggested on line ordering which was totally unheard of.  I think we trekked all over SA to aquire some of our collections.  The Monte Python movies, the Lost series, Supernatural, CSI the list goes on and when we were hooked we were hooked.  Some nights never sleeping just one episode to another. Lol.

Your warped imagination of journeys and across the psychedelic highway.  Who can forget the first time I heard this song. Driving around in your Beema smoking a Norman with Dr Greenthumb playing.  It was epic. That’s when you introduced me to Royksopp, my mission for your first birthday together to find this CD and you bet I couldn’t. The look on your face when you opened your present and it was then I saw you had met your match in me and I in you.

The soulful connection of a voice that brought two broken hearts together and made us one.  Joss Stone was our love and she showed us love through her songs.  This is one singer I can’t bring myself to listen to… Breaks my heart and the memories are just too much…

The Proposal… A midnight champagne picnic in the middle of the lounge. My favorite songs playing in the background and the words of poetry love.  I still see the words from your lips… Truly the happiest day of my life.  One thing you were was a romantic, goodness me the effort you put in to do something special each day always with thought to it.  Unfortunately you made it hard for me to reciprocate because yours always trumped mine but you appreciated it and you saw I tried.  This song… Lol while blogging this I could not remember this song and yet it’s the one that reminds me of the night you proposed.  You don’t know this but while this song played while I was relaxing in a bath of bubbles drinking champagne while you cooked and prepared, I was in tears. Tears of happiness of course… I loved you then and more that day as I love you now…

My infatuation for Robbie Williams and the patience you had to watch Live At Knebworth over and over again… I know you hated it but you super indulged me. Mesmerized to the voice of this man and you even use to get jealous which was so funny, cute but insanely funny.  Ha ha remember Brandon Flowers from The Killers…. Lol you hated my infatuation with him too.  Thank goodness you liked Selma  Hayek so just had to put on From Dusk Till Dawn.  Watching her wearing next to nothing with a snake and you forgave me. Lol

the Twilight Saga… Now if there was ever a time we learnt more about each other, was through Twilight.  Over reading the books between the two of us and indulging me once again with my obsession with Twilight… Edward Cullen and the vampires against Jacob Black and the wolves. Silky awkward shy Bella who tripped and stumbled her way through life which you said pretty much how I loved life lol.  Then the movie came put and you took me 4 times to see it at the movie house in one week… Now that’s dedication. You inspired my novel which still hasn’t been completed… I just can’t get around to finishing it because it again reminds me of you.  Your notes and editing still on the pages you read through. I will complete it, added to the bucket list.

The song that pulled us together every time we heard it. Where are souls connected on a level of nothing I ever experienced before.  No words spoken just the lyrics consuming us.  U2 epic and classic and a massive part of our lives.  Those three songs of Joshua Tree that you just gave to play one after the other. I loved Sunday Bloody Sunday bumpy, I just gave you grief about it because I could…lol

This Cracks of sadness  bumpy that consumed your heart and broke your mind.  I saw the darkness in your eyes and it scared me. I comforted you through those moments even though you pushed me out, but I still got you to talk even if it took copious, yes your word, amounts of alcohol especially when Jose Cuervo came out.  Those drunken deep dark discussions were mind blowing and each time could climb in to the manifestation of your brilliant mind… What a rush.

My wedding song that you dedicated to me which blew my mind as the lyrics played when I took the first step down that Isle… The shock of how you saw me and how much you loved me all in on song… I still tear up when I hear these words. I still have our albums and I still have the collage I made with our vows… What a beautiful day it was, all the preparation and it made it so special that we did everything ourselves.  Even until 2am the morning we were still busy.  And to wake up to a beautiful sunny day when the whole week had been raining and miserable.  Your vows were beautiful bumpy… They will be with me forever.

Our world of our own where we shut the world out and just were us. We spoke the night away, and even after the thousand time we still learnt a little more about each other.  A midnight hug a kiss a laugh and even tears, they were moments I will cherish for life.

The cracks became darker as I watched you crumble… My regret is maybe I didn’t try hard enough to save you. You were impossible but I loved your impossibility, those crazy mad moments that not even you could believe what you were saying or doing but they were you and how I wish I had them again. Maybe we could have handled them differently, so many it’s and buts… So many.

The pact… Remember the night I woke up breathless and terrified and you held me in your arms so tightly as I cried myself to sleep. That dream… I should have known. Your death your suicide I saw it and I felt it and it almost killed me.  The pact to end it together a cliche of Romeo and Juliet… I will always want that… You went first to save me but it’s a pact I can’t break and angry you left without me. Didn’t you love me enough to take me with you..

My heart started breaking… The darkness became your first love and it took you away from me. I couldn’t hang onto the light anymore for the both of us. My soul began to live in your darkness, it almost carried me to a point where I didn’t have the will to make decisions.  It consumed me and our demons began to dance.  I still live in that darkness but I have learnt to appreciate it and love it and thought that my heart has repaired even if it’s with plasters and stitching.  Through your death you made me love more.  It’s a destiny of mine to help others learn to love and for the first time I love me for me… Your darkness lives inside me and it will haunt me forever and that’s OK.

Our favorite movie we watched over and over again… I still have it and  I still watch it and I still think of you every time.  A classic in our books or DVDs shall I say. Then there was The Runaways… Lol we both obsessed over that one.  Pump Up The Volume, Clerks, Mall Rats… Ok the last two still cannot wrap my head around it.  Silent Bob and Jay… Lol I tried give me that.  It was almost as challenging trying to get me to read a Terry Pratchet, How deep your mind went it was so wow. I can read them now of course but I guess it’s because I miss you and Pratchet sends my mind into that turtle carrying the disc world on his back to your mind, your chaotic and deeply impressive thoughts.

The cracks got bigger and the songs hot deeper and the cruelty of life and people began to consume you.  The pain in your eyes, the dark rings, the sleepless nights… The torment you felt, ripping away the light and the love.

The end song… I remember you played this song over and over to me even before we moved to Cape Town. You wanted me to go, you wanted me to leave you. The undying love I have for you could never have let me go.  I just wish you didn’t push me away and just accepted the love I was giving you.  I knew before the move things had got darker and was looking you each day and that’s why I made the decision for us to leave Joburg… I sometimes wonder if it was a epic mistake on my part… We wouldn’t have been surrounded by people who just manipulated and push us in another direction but then again our first two years there I saw you shine. The Clinton I knew was coming back and the City was doing you good.

The final song you asked me to play at your funeral… The song you played over and over again and got lost in with each chord that played and lyric sang.  This was your anthem, your spirit guide, your meaning of life. Your face was a picture of pain and sadness and I know that it was your Dad’s favorite and that’s where it took you, to be closer to him in memory.  It wasn’t enough to live and feel the memory it was the final time I watched you play this song over and over again from that jukebox at that pub.  It was then I saw you make the decision it was time to be with your Dad.  I knew then I couldn’t save you…

Our final goodbye… Remember you told me if I heard Sounds of Silence I would know you were there. The day after they found you on was standing in the kitchen, I was exhausted from dreaming over and over again of you dying.  I kept dialing your number to speak to you and my heart shattered every time your voice note played… You were gone and there was not a damn thing I could do about it… That song began to play and I could feel you standing behind me.  My mom told me she saw you there.  I tried to find you in the darkness but I was numb and I guess involuntarily shut myself off from it.  My mom and dad paid close attention to me worried I would follow suit…it was hard bumpy the hardest most heartbreaking feeling I could not even begin to describe.  When the dark arrived I saw what was on the boot and thank you for not gassing yourself.  When it arrived my colleague removed the stuff before I could see it.  Jawad stuck to his promise to you to keep me safe and look after  me… He was there bumpy and only told me of your request to him. He is apart of my life Jawad and will always be grateful to him. He saved me I guess or I would be with you now.

So many memories but I guess this is your soundtrack that I dedicate to my life with Clinton Dean Venske…

The past 3.5 years have been rough but I’m getting better at living with you gone.  My love I had for you will never be replaced and there is do much I took for granted and yes I do wish I could change some things…

My songs to you that I have to add to this list I have found since you left and they have helped a bit.

Many nights I have cried because of the loneliness of you gone.  I mean if you were still alive I would be swearing you right now but at least you would be alive.  I miss not being able to talk to you, have a good laugh and joke about things only we would get.  Lol like the day in Durban sitting at breakfast with my folks and you said “there is no Gwen Stefani” and you were saying there is no doubt… Lol the way my dad just looked at us.  Confusion in his eyes because he didn’t no No Doubt was Gwen Stefani.., I still laugh about that.

Besides Jawad the last 3.5 years have been a flurry of crazed mishaps and the worst sorts you could possibly fathom.  I was hurting and in pain and I guess needed to feel something so put myself in harms way. I often wonder if you saw or watched me self destruct and just shook your head.  I still find your letters falling out of books and I still get a message that you happy and I must not blame myself… Thank you for that it eases the pain. I often think about the night you sat next to me on my bed with your hand on my back trying to ease my tears… I don’t know if it was my imagination and I believe in this stuff but whatever it was thank you for being there.

If there is a song I would have played for you before you said goodbye would be this.  It wasn’t released when you were alive but if it was it would be for you.

This beautiful song when I heard it I immediately thought of you.  You know I wish I had one more day with you, how I would have done things so differently.  I love you always have and I always will.  I can’t bring myself to appreciate classical music yet and don’t think I ever will lol… So that journey to try and get me to appreciate it lol failed dismally.  I have someone in my life who also appreciates the fine things in life so let’s see.  Watch this space.  I made it through Enya which baffled me but actually enjoy her now.  So maybe one day I will understand the obsession you can with classical music.

I hope you see I’m trying I hope you watch over me and as I said before cannot wait to see you again.  My journey hadn’t come to an end and actually think its just begun.  I’m never going to get over you I’m never going to stop thinking about you or remembering you or crying over you.  I’m just so honoured to have loved and been loved by you.  You were a tornado in my life that brought on a mindful of beauty and chaos that I thrived on.  You did make me a bit crazy myself but it’s made me see life differently.

I’m meeting new people who have touched my soul and heart in ways that I can call it a God send.  They know my pain and they see how I have worked through it and understand who I am now.  They are my angels… Ok one or two I wish I hadn’t even met but lesson learned.  You know what I actually think you would love me more now for who I have become… All those insecurities and issues I carried that you tried to help me through all gone.

I miss you bumpy.

Forever in my heart forever until my end of time and together in the next. Mr Darcy…tall dark and handsome.

Angels do exist…

A Facebook message blew my mind tonight that I had to just blog it.

The message:  Why would you give anyone the power to destroy you? Heres my perspective. When you love someone, their happiness is yours and so if they leave you because they want the freedom to be with someone else or follow a different path, thats the happiness they choose. So yes it may feel initially that they are trying to destroy you, but ultimately if you truly cared for someone, you set them free to be happy. In that knowing, ultimately no one can destroy you. When we no longer hold others responsible for our happiness, we give ourselves the gift of self love and we take our power back. Since you are responsible for your happiness, no one can ever take this away. I give no one the power to take away my freedom to be happy, to feel loved always because I AM love, its all I know how to be, nothing can destroy that. Even sadness and grief come as visitors but they are not me, I AM love, I cannot be destroyed. When I love you, I will empower you, if you walk away you will walk away strong loved and looking for me in every person you meet. I am stoic in love, I cannot be overcome, I love with the intention of making the other feel so free they could choose shackles if the wanted. Cindy darling no one can destroy you ever, no one can take love away, YOU are love, you are Source, you a Sacred Goddess, you are not anyones victim, you are a warrior amidst women, you don’t lose anyone. They lose YOU. Love you my beautiful friend x

My reply: Wow!!! That is so beautiful Melinda thank you. Yes of course you right. I mean the biggest lesson I ever learnt is when the person you love with all your heart dies and the love you once felt in return suddenly gone. Yes there was anger and yes there was sadness but that love is still there. I have learnt to cherish my heart but also learnt that if I could show someone no matter how damaged thier heart is, If I could show them the beauty that love is, how it feels and how its the most beautiful gift we as people have to offer each other then I will keep sharing it. I have met the wicked and the good and no matter what the heartache is still the same. That’s when I realised i am always going to love and its the Cindy love. Happy and joyful, warm and protective and yes maybe a little crazy to add to the mix but it’s always humble always kind snd always respectful. I think I made peace with the idea that I much prefer feeling alive and happy and yes ridiculously fuzzy inside when love is reciprocated back. In this beautiful world that is filled with very unhappy cruel people, not all of course. I want to hang on to that feeling I carry with me each day, that makes me see the good in bad and motivated me to keep striving for the best. Of course it gets battered and bruised but that just makes me love more intensely and will never give up hope. I will say this, I’m nothing like I was at 21 and I’m a little more quirky now then I was at 30 but I do like who I am. Life is an adventure and enjoying every second if it. You never know when something happens that takes away every dream you had or thought of… It just gives you an opportunity to build the next dream and find the new adventure. I tell you beautiful soul that you are… This was the most beautiful post I have ever received and from my heart to yours thank you. ❤️

The post:

 

We don’t need to wait for answers or guidance from angels or loved ones who have past… Because they right in front of us, and they do care and they do love we just need to take note and not push these beautiful souls away.

Thank you Melinda Royce my beautiful friend

XXX

 

A dedication…

You’re my love, my life
The air that I breathe
You’re my soul, my happiness
The all that I need

You’re my light, my dark
The stars in the sky
You’re my ups, my downs
The reason I try

You’re my strength, my weakness
The love from the start
You’re my heartache, my pain
The beat of my heart

You’re my tears, my joy
the love that you bring
You’re my world, my galaxy
Cindy you’re my everything

XZZ

That Song that speaks…

Mmmmmm a nice little dedication to bring tears to my eyes, warmth to my heart and the knowing of hope that filled my soul.

Amazing the power of music and how it speaks to your soul.  To without any doubt put a knowing smile on your lips one second and a tear of sadness rolling down your cheek the next.  The memories and nostalgia that a song can conjure up, from a once forgotten memory or a once forgotten interlude of the past and no matter how we try to forget that one song brings it all flooding back.

Music has been the answer to my sadness the therapy for my madness and a tool that would be a constant servant to the good times and bad times whether it be in the past present or future.

What inspired me?

Keep listening and feeling the notes played, proven to set the loneliest heart to blissful content and the saddest soul alight… And it just feels good to sway to the music letting go of all your imperfections or distant pain. Let it go, sway to the music and let if fill you with love, because whether it be hard rock and heavy metal to classical and new age, there is one song that resonates with someone and sets the soul on fire.

Feel the music, let it consume you and let it heal.

XXX

The darkness of my light…

I see you laying there watching me
Silently holding my gaze
The fear gripping me
Taking hold of me
You pull me near

I can feel the menace
You bring the pain
I scream, I shout
My demons are dancing.
But silence remains

I see you laying there watching me
Why won’t you let go
Leave me alone
Drive me away
But you Silently smile as you crave

You took my heart
You took my soul
Watching you watching me
I feel you want more of me
Take it and leave
Please set me free

But you lay there watching me
Your darkness overwhelming me
Taking hold of me
Pulling me closer
Until every last breath has gone
I’m left with nothing
I’m gone…

 

A text that sent shivers down my spine…

I received this text this morning… I’m still crying.  From a man who destroyed me, financially crippled me and abused me.

Since finding God the one thing I had to work on was forgiveness.  I can forgive I had to, in order for me to move forward and open myself to the goodness in life.

I will always forgive and working on the forgetting.

The text…

Pls read this and take to heart im dying cindy no lies no bullshit all i hve is my love 4 u and that i will c clinton and we can both watch over u ! embrace,destroy this pain, u mean more than u wil eva know dnt miss this chance it will neva come again! Go figure my love will slowly grow in ur heart so embrace, destroy this pain , cindy baby girl u are and have been and always will be mine as i am urs as the owl looks down on us 4eva fades away if we had spoken this is what i would have said embrace destroy this pain ,dnt miss this chance it will not come again,u mean more than u will ever know weve met so many times in this life we will so many more if not it will b im the next we were created from the same energy line and were meant to be 2gether the more we deny it and fight it being with others having sex with others the more god will push us together b4 i die i will b with u i love u pookie

I’m crying because yes it’s beautiful but I’m crying because all the hurt and pain he caused me I felt while reading this text.  I cannot and will not go back to that.  Not ever…

When you have someone you love, appreciate them and respect them.  Don’t take anyone for granted and no one has the right to abuse anyone, emotionally, physically or mentally.

XXX

Love rush…

I tried to post this song…

Something’s coming over me
I’m so dizzy I can’t see
Can’t make out the forest for the trees

My heart is beating faster now
As the traffic’s slowing down
Suddenly I’m all alone with you

It’s so good
Baby when you’re at the wheel
I can’t believe the way I feel
It’s such a rush
Just being with you

We’re Driving in the Rush Hour
Ooh you send me
You take me to the Rush Hour
Ooh you send me
You got me in the Rush Hour

Feel it getting hot in here
Feel me getting close to you dear
Slow motion moving you, moving me

Now your lips are touching mine
And in your eyes that certain shine
Honey, I know just where you’re taking me

It’s so good
Baby when you’re at the wheel
I can’t believe the way I feel
It’s such a rush
Just being with you

We’re Driving in the Rush Hour
Ooh you send me
You take me to the Rush Hour
Ooh you send me
You got me in the Rush Hour

It’s so good
Baby when you’re at the wheel
I can’t believe the way I feel
It’s such a rush
Just being with you

We’re Driving in the Rush Hour
Ooh you send me
You take me to the Rush Hour
Ooh you send me
You got me in the Rush Hour
Ooh you send me
Ooh you send me
You got me in the Rush Hour
You got me in the Rush Hour
You got me
You got me
You got me in the Rush Hour

source: http://www.lyricsondemand.com/j/janewiedlinlyrics/rushhourlyrics.html

 

Something is coming over me…

It’s so good

Baby when u at the wheel

I can’t believe the way I feel

It’s such a rush just been with you

You got me In a rush hour

Oooooh you set me free

 

Those words…mmmmm

So where would honey be taking you….

 

Mmmmm a painted portrait and lullaby a poem..

You make up your own mind that loves, that breathes the life of  love

XXX

 

 

You weren’t there…

It doesn’t take alot to be a friend.  A message here and a call there.  I keep reading those posts about knowing your true friends when you going through a rough time.

I really have come through every obstacle  on my own.  I have fought tooth and nail to survive another day.  Friends come and go, people pop in and out your life and some stay and others disappear.  That’s fine it happens and it’s life. I still believe we meet one another to learn something and move forward in life.

Trust is an issue. I have through the last three years known who I can trust and who I can’t and honestly it boils down to “me, myself and I” and yes of recent God.

Don’t ask me why my guard is up, don’t ask me why I can easily walk away when being there seems to be a challenge. Don’t expect me to be there anymore when your road gets bumpy and your days are dark, because where were you when I needed you?  The one day I needed a friend and you weren’t there… I have the choice of who I want around me and you add no value to me.  So goodbye friend, no more empty promises made by you and no more tears to be cried over you because you didn’t care and you just disappointed me.

And all I asked is be there the one day I needed you friend, just one day…  So sad but then I guess you never considered me anything of importance in your life… Oh wait you do, when you need someone or a shoulder to cry on… I’m sure there is someone out there for you but it’s not me. Not anymore.

XXX