My endless love…

Do you think it’s possible to love two people at the same time?  With my infinite abundance of love, I didn’t know it’s even possible.  I mean loving two or three different people in a life time is very possible, but to love two at the same time now that’s a challenge.

Well it happened to me and I really thought about this, loving these two men at the same time was really happening, and not love one and crush or infatuation on other, it was actual heart felt love, the forever after stuff.

It was heartbreaking to say the least, definitely something I never thought I would face… I can hear it now “Jerry! Jerry! Jerry!”   Very much a Jerry Springer situation considering the one decided to let everyone know we together while dating the other.  It came as such a shock to me as well as everyone.

In the end and not in too much detail but the relationship ended as soon as it began lol a whole two days to be exact.  I think now that it was sort of meant to happen because it made things more clearer on who was more matched for my heart and soul.  Through more broken hearts and tears it sorted itself out and things are happily all back to normal.

Now all we have to look forward to is those Christmas get together’s and how kak awkward those times will be but through time it will be a huge laughing matter… sooner rather then later.

So yes it can happen and I guess having very mature parties involved and the element of hope and love that is what prevailed this situation.

LMAO

I love you

XXX

 

 

 

Jar Of Hearts.Xxx who do u think u are?

 

“Jar Of Hearts”

I know I can’t take one more step towards you
‘Cause all that’s waiting is regret
Don’t you know I’m not your ghost anymore
You lost the love I loved the most

I learned to live half alive
And now you want me one more time

And who do you think you are?
Runnin’ ’round leaving scars
Collecting your jar of hearts
And tearing love apart
You’re gonna catch a cold
From the ice inside your soul
So don’t come back for me
Who do you think you are?

I hear you’re asking all around
If I am anywhere to be found
But I have grown too strong
To ever fall back in your arms

And I’ve learned to live half alive
And now you want me one more time

And who do you think you are?
Runnin’ ’round leaving scars
Collecting your jar of hearts
And tearing love apart
You’re gonna catch a cold
From the ice inside your soul
So don’t come back for me
Who do you think you are?

And it took so long just to feel alright
Remember how to put back the light in my eyes
I wish I had missed the first time that we kissed
‘Cause you broke all your promises
And now you’re back
You don’t get to get me back

And who do you think you are?
Runnin’ ’round leaving scars
Collecting your jar of hearts
And tearing love apart
You’re gonna catch a cold
From the ice inside your soul
So don’t come back for me
Don’t come back at all

Xxx

Alice has left the building…

Did you ever get to that moment in life, the one that leaves you sleepless at nights.  That leave you anxious and breathless?  That rips at the very core of your soul where you feel lost and hopeless?  Where you realize if nothing is done about it or the situation  not immediately rectified then all hell on your already chaotic life will break loose and the reality of surviving it is comprehensible.

2:56am the moment of clarity has plagued my mind leaving me feeling the dreaded thought of WTF…  Now of course these disastrous nights are not new to me, but very far and few between so when they happen it’s not  a case of right time to solve world hunger or world peace oh no of course not this is the time to ponder about my ever broken heart which I drag through the madness of what my expectations are and what the reality of it is.

After my last adventure I decided finally and honestly and cannot believe finally it’s happening and finally I am yearning for a break to spend time on my own. This insatiable need to be loved and appreciated has gotten to the brink of destruction within myself that can only lead to a road of no return, where whats right and wrong wouldn’t matter because  I wouldn’t know the difference.

The worst about all this is it took the falling in love of what I been forever searching for to bring me to this point.  The heartache the heartbreak, the tears the broken the damage and the constant putting together of my persistent heart brought me to the place I was yearning for.  Short lived and epic failure and the reason… misconception of a parallel universe that I was living in, that I couldn’t fix or change or work out or rectify.  A world where forgiveness is non existent and a misunderstanding of chaotic thoughts and words ruled.   The first love I found that made my heart scream for more and my tummy sing for the butterflies was swiftly taken from me as quickly as it was found.

It was the madness of living in a world of Alice in Wonderland, lost in the confusion of what if and what could have been to never been at all.  To feel the heartache and gut wrenching heartbreak consume my every thought and feeling is definitely a game that the Cheshire Cat was having way too much fun with.  Drink Me! Eat Me!  Yes too much fun was had at my expense and Alice is more lost now and more heartbroken now then ever before.  Wonderland, a place of infinite hopes and dreams, that making any wish come true is of the past and certainly never to be journeyed there for a while.  In short Alice is going on a holiday away from Wonderland.  Alice has left the building!

Those tears, that gut wrenching heartache and the yearning to feel even a moment of that intense love… sigh…  All gone and even as i write this i’m feeling the solitude of my heart feeling lost and confused and alone.  These broken wings have been trying to learn to fly and learn to love so free, and it’s something I love about me.  However the free love took me to a place that has left my wings not only broken but singed, repair work in play once again and the inevitable question… can what broke  you fix you? Definitely!  It’s about taking that chance, getting to know me getting to know you and working together to just find out if all that heartache and all those tears and all those misunderstandings were worth it.  In the end I am worth the fight, I am worth the chaos that comes with loving me, because with a little bit of madness love does make the world go round and i’m in love with our love.

 

So for now it’s about time and they say time heals everything and never finding that feeling again that was so short lived may never be found with him again… it’s I guess leaving it all up to fate and what will be will be.

So goodbye my almost lover, goodbye my almost friend… I will love you always, forever and more.

 

In Love With Our Love

XXX

 

Psychedelic Circle in a Grey Square.

I was having a discussion with someone over the weekend and it dawned on me that the phrase Round Peg in Square Hole very much was my life.  I am without a doubt that Round Peg in a Square Hole of life and instead of fighting or arguing or being unhappy because of my non-conformance in society, it was rather easier to embrace it.  Instead of me seeing it as the Round Peg it would become my Psychedelic Circle in a Grey Square instead of Square Hole.

At the same time, I’m thinking how long does it take before my Psychedelic Circle begins to fade away and I end up getting caught among the Grey Squares?  Well then, I have to ask myself how long have I been this Psychedelic Circle and definitely my whole life.  So, the important realization now is to meet other Psychedelics and join together to enjoy the pathways of life we find ourselves on…

Not very easy because yes while I have met many Psychedelics, they are not very strong at heart, any little thing is taken personally and seeing this cruel world for what it is, is very hard to look through our eyes and see the wonders and the light of life and love of people.  I think I have proven I can do it, and always ask myself why?  What is the reason to constantly fight the fight in a world ruled by the Grey’s?  I guess my answer to that is having the way to look at life and say there is more, more adventures, more fun, more to experience, more to love and more to believe that there has to be more… because without it what is the point?

Everything in our life is surrounded by Grey’s, driving in our box cars, working and eating at our box desks, eating our boxed meals, living in boxed houses – yet the world is round, not boxed and definitely not flat.

I think Terry Pratchett had an amazing Psychedelic look at life and that’s why his books were funny and creative and always made the reader think more and want more of the Discworld and the Great A’Tuin.  Not to mention my fascination for Death and his horse Binky… deliciously morbid and fantastically hysterical that Death is a sympathetic Grim Reaper.

The sadness of all this… my greatest Psychedelic, who breathed fire into my soul and made every day that great adventure life has to offer, couldn’t and wouldn’t survive in the world of Grey’s.  That no matter how many Terry Pratchett books he read to get lost in the Discworld, no matter how he tried to fight that big fight, he could  no more and he just gave up.

The more i think about it, the more I realize it’s the Psychedelics that are deciding to exit life every day, the strain and stress of living in the Grey world has become harder and crueller and a the abundance of good hearts are diminishing at a rate of not worth fighting for anymore.

Just a morbid thought…