The Journey…

The Journey began feeling a little weary.

The cobble path we once walked, now bits and pieces

You reached out and took my hand

“will you run with me on the cobble path” you smile

“Yes” i smile and take your outstretched hand

Safe and Comfort i smile

 

The once fairy tale bridge we walked across so many times

All broken down and just rubble

You reached out to take my hand again

“will you jump across with me” you whisper

“Yes” i smile as i take his hand in mine

Confident and Warm

 

The end of our journey and the tears well up

The Majestic Mansion, our first date, our first moment

Dilapidated and wrecked into a haunting memory of what once was

You squeeze my hand tightly, you never let go

“will you have a picnic with me”  you look away, a tear down your cheek

“Yes” i whisper, my eyes misty

Love

 

Our journey through love has been difficult, but if we just cross that broken path, or jump over the torn down bridge or take what was once a memory and turn it into a new adventure a new memory.  Then we can skip along to whatever lies in our way.

You are home…

I love you

XXX

 

 

Round Here… it’s coming to that time of the year again.

Anyone who says “time heals” when you lose a loved one, maybe hasn’t really been through such a terrible ordeal and in no way, could they understand how hard it is to lose someone you loved, truly loved.  This person who you made a choice to be with, to give you heart and soul to, deciding to spend the rest of your life together.  Loving each other unconditionally and becoming a partnership that trumps all other relationships and becoming one.

Death is unforeseen in most cases.  Clinton’s death was suicide.  In Death we start making peace that God has made the choice to take that person from our lives, that it’s almost acceptable and maybe makes it a little bit easier to start the healing process knowing they in a better place or whatever it is we tell ourselves in order to deal with the loss.  Suicide is something that no one can comprehend.  It carries the dark emotions and feelings of anger, hatred, betrayal and not being able to forgive him  or me.   His decision left behind the questions of Why? Why? Why? Why?  In Clinton’s case I had all the answers but even knowing beforehand doesn’t make it any easier.  ‘If you loved me why did you leave knowing it would break my heart’? “Did you want to hurt me so badly it would be stuck with me forever?” These ever consuming questions.  With that comes the feeling of abandonment, regret and guilt.  No matter how many times you hear those words from family and friends and even strangers that it’s not your fault or don’t blame yourself, to make you feel better it’s a lot easier said than done because how can you not.  You have no one to answer the questions so you sit day in and day out mulling it over in your mind as to why?  I was there a week before it happened, I begged I pleaded I tried to stop it.  I always think I could have done that little bit more.

The end was chaos, the threats the tears the anger the fighting the distress it consumes you until one day you just shout “it’s enough if you going to do it do it”… yip those words.  They have haunted me and they play over and over in my thoughts like a melody that never wants me to forget.

So, four years later and still completely in love though something has changed, finally acceptance.  Four years of anger and tears and hatred and just thought consuming sadness.  it’s not like I can pick up the phone and scream and shout at him to get some nagging issue off my chest.  I can’t say I miss you or I love you and he says those words back.  How I miss hearing those words …

I have accepted Clinton is gone, I have forgiven him for thinking it was OK to make a decision like that which ultimately broke me.  I have forgiven myself because I wasn’t to blame, no matter how many times I have relived those days over and over there was nothing I could have done.  I actually am annoyed because I think what a silly fool he was to leave like that and so sudden.  He could have overcome the obstacles and everything would have been fine.   He really would be laughing about those hard times today.

I have tried to self-destruct, I have put myself in situations where I know I will be hurt, but its only because of the pain I was carrying around.  Anyone with a good heart I pushed far away because why would I want them to wallow in my self-pity with me, those people would not have understood but I pushed away because I cared and it was much easier to be around broken.

I think of the scene in the Twilight Saga, New Moon which is the 2nd book where Edward leaves Bella because he is trying to protect her and she puts herself in all these bad situations, because like the first time they got together Bella was in a situation and Edward saved her.  So she kept hoping he would save her again, by putting herself in dangerous situations.  She becomes so obsessed with  wanting to see him again that she creates this phantom image  of him which appears when she is unsafe to give her comfort in seeing him.  She continued putting herself in danger just to see this vision of him.  That is pretty much what I have been doing,  except my comfort comes from the hurt I feel each time I’m in a situation, to feel that pain and that hurt because I felt I didn’t deserve the happiness.  It has gradually been subsiding and I have decided it’s time to put that pain to rest.

I know now that I deserve better, I deserve to be happy and I can move forward.  I have got to the point now where instead of saying such horrible things about Clinton only because I was so angry, I find myself now talking about the good times, how awesome he was and that mind of his was something to be admired.  Everyone he met he had an impact on, and always leaving some memory of epic proportions behind with them.

So, on this fourth year of his death, and things have got better and yes time will heal but there is no limit to the time we have to mourn.  I’m not looking for another Clinton because there is no one like him in this world, nor will I ever compare anyone to him, but I will always have him in my heart never to be forgotten.  I have also grown and changed so whoever I meet will be different I’m sure, someone I can enjoy the next journey of my life with.

I’m proud of how far I have come, those hair-raising moments still scare me.  I still so much want to see him again and cannot wait for the day that I do, feel those big bear hugs and hear I love you just one more time.   That right there is why I am still here, I could not do that do that to my mom and dad, I could not put them through the pain I have felt, because I do not wish this heartache on anyone and I’m just glad I survived it.

Thank you, Clinton, for giving me 10 years of your life.  I have learnt so much from you and all I can say is you definitely equipped me with the tools and most definitely the attitude to face each day in this crazy life.

I miss you and I love you and until we meet again

XXX

Tap Tap Tap… bored of boredom!

Is it possible to reach a point in life where your spirituality, your existence and the realization of your life purpose all come together and all the uncertainty you ever felt or had just vanishes?  Or do we constantly search for the one or the other never actually feeling all three connect?

In my case my spirituality and my existence of living for the now are one and the same and have reached a level where I am so in touch with reality and life that the ending to any situation any story or any new beginning is almost a given and I know exactly what the outcome will be before I venture into it.

People and places of habit have become boring and their fickle ways and lives of boredom I find just bores me.  The once excitement of what the next encounter would bring is just another dull page in the day to day living of my life and that is when the question plagues me again… what the hell is my purpose.

I decided I am bored, bored of life, bored of friends, bored of new faces and bored of old faces.  Places, situations, conversations, trial and tribulations, dreams and goals – it’s always the same.  I have often wondered if I had had children would I have all this time to think all this time to be bored and all this time to ponder of what I need and what I want and how to fulfill my life without being bored…

Do I create the drama that unfolds because quiet is too boring or do I need drama to bring excitement …? Questions questions questions… a million and one questions that I’m now on a journey to discover and have set myself a goal, a challenge to take on that will quieten my busy mind.

The Artist’s Way – Julia Cameron

“A course in discovering and recovering your creative self” – I have the creativity I just lack the motivation and if it helps me to reconnect with my creative side then maybe I can just bring myself that peace of mind I long for.

Just maybe…

Day 1 – Today… So I have set myself this challenge and will tackle this 12-week course starting tonight… notebook ready for notes and motivation lingering on excitement to start and excitement to end and wondering what it will inspire.  However, I have owned this exact copy for 5 years and always get to the point of starting.  Chapter 1, pages are bent and raffled from being read and re-read but after that, Chapter 2 its perfection, not a single page being touched or flipped through, just brand-new pages waiting to be turned, waiting to be discovered and waiting to find that creativity that lingers in my soul.

Let’s see shall we.

XXX

Checkmate…

How do you even fathom the evilness of a person sabotaging a love that may or may not have been or may have had a chance but would never know because of the selfishness of a person.  Creating enough drama to get everyone’s attention to make them feel sorry for him.  No he couldn’t just let her go knowing how happy she would be, he played on the broken bits of her subconsciousness and bits of her broken bitter heart because he wanted her and her happiness meant nothing what only mattered was his.

The realization that this even can happen has to be the worst betrayal and use of a heart that I just struggle to wrap my head around.  What has happened that people actually live their lives like this… I always believed in free will and to see someone being happy because how could you watch someone who is crying inside with a heart so broken and just watch them and be happy with how miserable and broken they are.

Self sacrifice is not controlling the heart of someone you want but to set them free.  Or am I the only one who believes in this…

She sits at night and licks her wounds free of this man who took the one chance of happiness away and yes she should be happy to be away from him but to realize she was a pawn in his game of chess which he was a master at.  Teaching her the moves on those nightly games around the chess board on the dining room table, only now every minute that she is away from him she sees how every chess move was another betrayal of her love and her heart to satisfy his selfish wants and needs.

Check mate you won!!!