Happy Birthday C

Happy heavenly birthday Clinton Venske.

It’s been 5 years and today 16 October 2018, you would have been 43 years old.

Sounds old, doesn’t it?

I’m reminded of the many discussions where you said you would never see 40 years of age, and you never did.

I wish you could have hung on because turning 40 and the year after year after that is honestly the greatest. Your days would have still been heavy with your darkness, and I think you would have managed them so much better.

It really seems at 40 things become a little lighter and you kind-of-know where you are and where you’re going, which is all you could have wished for. Your last moments would have been laughter and your burdens carried with pride because you got through them and eased going into the next phase of life, your 40s.

I know you would have rocked this phase of your life, feeling self-assured and just not letting the little shitty irritations of life get to you. I can’t say over thinking stops but it definitely becomes less. You would be laughing more and those dark songs would have been moments from past memories rather than who you actually were.

So, I wish you a happy birthday. Tequila shots all around. Definitely not nursing that hangover like you used to because getting older may make you wiser but definitely weakens your constitution to handle alcohol consumption.

Cheers to you C, you are greatly missed! I’m still saddened your demons won. I’m blessed to have all those good memories to remember especially getting me through those challenging days.

You are always remembered and never forgotten on your birthday.


Grief That Binds Us

Isn’t it terrible how illness or death brings people together. I’m not talking about acquaintances I’m talking about family and lifelong friends that become your family.

Hearing such terrible news this morning about a family friend and felt soul destroyed at how to react. React in what my next step is in sending my thoughts and prayers and at a loss because I had no way of doing it.

Lifelong friends; and we haven’t spoken for 5 years. It truly saddens me that it’s got to this point in our life’s but I do know it’s because life is not what it used to be. Social media has kind of filled that gap of telephone calls or having a cup of coffee. Yes, there are social gatherings like birthdays or braai’s or drinks at the pub, but that’s on a broader scale. There is no more one on one interaction like a telephone call or cup of coffee between two people who are family and friends.

I’m unfortunately that person who loves with my heart and soul, gives everything I have, and more, and always at my expense and I’m always the one that is broken hearted and in tears.

This is not a “oh woe is me” moment. Nope it’s just reality and in all of this I only have myself to blame. I put my heart and soul into it and I’m at fault for having high expectations. Through the past five years it took a tragedy to show me truth. To teach me life lessons and many tears shed over my expectations of friends and family. It was a very long and hard road I walked but right now I’m in the best place I could ever wish for.

I’m now in the best space of mind, body and soul I have ever been and will never allow myself to go back.

So not even grief will change my new-found strength because it was grief that got me here.

Isn’t that a mind-blowing thought?

So, as I sit here writing this, I’m feeling angry with myself for feeling guilty because I will not allow myself to go back. Of course, I feel devastated by the news and of course I will feel that sadness, and I won’t allow this to destroy a friendship that had no reason to end like it did.

I’m just saying… With a broken heart.


Be A Big Fish…

Big Fish

I recently watched the movie Big Fish with Ewan McGregor and Jessica Lange. A Tim Burton film and of course because it’s a Tim Burton film his wife Helena Bonham Carter also plays a role in this beautiful fantastical adventure of a movie. Up to now, and I could be wrong, but she has acted in every movie Tim Burton has ever directed, so while watching it the second I saw her I knew it was his movie… How’s that for dedication of a love story?

On that note Johnny Depp also plays in most of his movies too and the Godfather to their kids… A bit of trivia but totally in love with Johnny Depp and always been a fan of the eccentric Helena Bonham Carter.

Big Fish was such a wonderful story of love, adventure and, for me, perception of life seen through the eyes of a man with such an imaginative mind that after watching it the grass in my backyard looked just a little greener and the sky a little bluer.

It made me think that it’s not that we sometimes live with rose coloured glasses but rather it’s just better for our peace of mind. Reality is scary and if we expected to live in our actual reality I can’t honestly expect human kind to grow or create or innovate. We wouldn’t be able to move forward through life because we would be stuck knowing there isn’t a possible way forward with an outlook and future dreary.

Yes, it’s a stretch but after watching this movie you understand.

Ewan McGregor plays the main role and a storyteller of note, that when he falls ill near to death his son who married and with child on the way, questions his dad to tell him the truth of his life. The magnitude of his stories left doubt in his son’s mind and couldn’t accept that any of it was true. He felt embarrassed to hear the stories and thought everyone felt that way too, but couldn’t accept it was only him feeling that way. His insecurities too big to not accept the magical tales.

What actually happens is that every story he told was true he just added a bit of sparkles to, I Guess, make it more interesting to tell but it honestly was how this man saw life.

As he lived life and as he grew older those rose-tinted glasses faded and he began to see life for what it was. So instead of falling into that reality he changed it, renovated it and turned it into his rose-tinted world.

I do believe that he has the secret and it’s not the end of the world to embellish a dull story just a little. Or maybe changing our perspective and seeing and living our moments sprinkled with some sparkle then the story telling will be what it is as we lived and saw it through our sparkled eyes. There can be no room for lies but there could be a fine line of creating and living in a dream world, which could land us up in a mental institution.

It’s all about balance and keeping us motivated and happy to get through each day.

Doesn’t that sound like exactly what we need?

So why not live and enjoy your life with some added fairy dust.


Call me…

This piece has been in my drafts for a year now and decided to publish it, clearly at the time I was not playing well with others and wrote this.

Call me crazy, I will shake your hand and thank you…

Call me weird, I will invite you to a night of Clock Work Orange…

Call me dark or demented, I will let you visit my mind so you can see the demons play…

Call me a psychopath, I will greet you in Harley Quinn style “nice to meet ya”…

Call me twisted, I will invite you to ride the merry go round with me…

Call me whatever you want but I have been known to not react to being called Ice Queen, Heart of Stone, Fake, Heart Breaker, Liar, Unloyal, Heartless, Mentally Unstable, Trashy and a Tart. Oh, and I will introduce you to the people who made me this way.

The tears will dry and my heart will heal and for now I reserve the right to be one of the above at some point in my life when dealing with others. If you don’t like it or you feel I’m treating you in this manner, then you are obviously one of them and you’d better walk away.

Dealing with the devil and being played by the gamers can only show me how to play back and how to handle you. I have seen it all, heard all the lies and I decide when not to play.

There are the awesome others who have been through the same, hopefully not as many as me, lol. Your awesomeness will make you who you are and no one can take that from you.

Just be you, as I am being me…


Westworld… Reality of a alternate work

I found a new series – Westworld…

A combination of The Matrix and A Million Ways To Die In The West. Basically, and very slim on the details as I just started watching it. remember The Matrix where humans are actually controlled by alien type machines, our reality is engineered and for example our usual day to day of waking up and off to work, come home, family time and sleep is actually us laying in a cocoon-like chamber connected to this machine that with our body temperature creates energy to exist and live in our reality that doesn’t exist. Mind-blowing, I know…

A Million Ways To Die In The West, it kind of reminds me of it because of all the eccentricities and crazy in the movie, definitely has the same eccentricities of Westworld. I could add a few more but these stood out. 
So, imagine you enter a world like partaking in a game or acting in a movie and live in this world as if you always belonged the crazy part is the inhabitants of this world have no idea it’s all a game for the wealthy to live to the fullest. They have carte Blanche too do as they please, which of course involves murder, rape and carnage… so predictable of us humans. Forbidden fruit that’s why. 
Each day the inhabitants awake to the same day, with the same dialogue, going about their same routine but with very different endings… Groundhog Day situation. The visitors/guests interact with the inhabitants and are free to do whatever, whenever and to whoever. Some of the guests are either lonely or bored or they prefer this alternate world, in some cases the visitor falls in love with the inhabitants and visit as many times as they want. Going back to fulfil the same role they chose to play or go back each time changing that outcome each time, good or bad. The inhabitants never remember the visitors, so every encounter is a first encounter. One of the visitors regularly visits to consistently cause harm and torment. So, think 50 First Dates where Adam Sandler spends every day reintroducing himself to his love Drew Barrymore because she has short term memory loss. Well this is the same concept except the Adam Sandler part is played by an evil man who rapes and torments her on every meeting, him remembering every previous time and her in shocked oblivion because of her non-existent memories. Yes, it’s a generated world with inhabitants who aren’t real, but they don’t know this so every event is reality to them. 

You wonder when reality and this alternate-world begin and end. There is always that fine line in life especially when you are given too many options, like having your cake and eating it too except the one is more tantalizing then the other. 
It’s actually quiet an interesting concept that this series is based on and I wonder if our lives would be less chaotic and free of disaster. Imagine satisfying our cravings through an alternate world, always coming back to our actual reality and in this perfect world there would be constant peace and harmony… but for how long?
Human nature, the constant battle between good and evil. Ever evolving opinions and mindset that has no limits. There is no control so what’s after the alternate world when we become bored and need another craving satisfied.
Of course, all good things come to an end as you watch this interactive amusement park fall apart. Visitors that don’t want to leave the alternate world, a trigger-happy cowboy who shoots dead all the inhabitants of the town ending the day with other visitors not having anyone to interact with ruining the experience for them. Or the glitch that the inhabitants are beginning to either malfunction or start remembering. Where the daily routine of their scripted lives are beginning to change the more they remember the past visits or visitors. Imagine remembering you dying over and over again, murdered by the same person every time in the most brutal way? Or the inhabitants with full recognition warn the other inhabitants… chaos and turmoil on every corner. Literally. 
We are the beginning and end of our lives, of who we are, and always having choices and the freedom to decide where we want to be. We choose what is right or wrong, which means we have to take responsibility for ourselves, because we can’t go blaming machines or aliens or people controlling our thoughts on alternate worlds like Westworld or cocoons like The Matrix. 
In the meantime, I will sit captivated by Westworld and the concept that intrigues my senses and keeps me wondering.
I’m just sayingXxx