Happy Birthday C

Happy heavenly birthday Clinton Venske.

It’s been 5 years and today 16 October 2018, you would have been 43 years old.

Sounds old, doesn’t it?

I’m reminded of the many discussions where you said you would never see 40 years of age, and you never did.

I wish you could have hung on because turning 40 and the year after year after that is honestly the greatest. Your days would have still been heavy with your darkness, and I think you would have managed them so much better.

It really seems at 40 things become a little lighter and you kind-of-know where you are and where you’re going, which is all you could have wished for. Your last moments would have been laughter and your burdens carried with pride because you got through them and eased going into the next phase of life, your 40s.

I know you would have rocked this phase of your life, feeling self-assured and just not letting the little shitty irritations of life get to you. I can’t say over thinking stops but it definitely becomes less. You would be laughing more and those dark songs would have been moments from past memories rather than who you actually were.

So, I wish you a happy birthday. Tequila shots all around. Definitely not nursing that hangover like you used to because getting older may make you wiser but definitely weakens your constitution to handle alcohol consumption.

Cheers to you C, you are greatly missed! I’m still saddened your demons won. I’m blessed to have all those good memories to remember especially getting me through those challenging days.

You are always remembered and never forgotten on your birthday.


Grief That Binds Us

Isn’t it terrible how illness or death brings people together. I’m not talking about acquaintances I’m talking about family and lifelong friends that become your family.

Hearing such terrible news this morning about a family friend and felt soul destroyed at how to react. React in what my next step is in sending my thoughts and prayers and at a loss because I had no way of doing it.

Lifelong friends; and we haven’t spoken for 5 years. It truly saddens me that it’s got to this point in our life’s but I do know it’s because life is not what it used to be. Social media has kind of filled that gap of telephone calls or having a cup of coffee. Yes, there are social gatherings like birthdays or braai’s or drinks at the pub, but that’s on a broader scale. There is no more one on one interaction like a telephone call or cup of coffee between two people who are family and friends.

I’m unfortunately that person who loves with my heart and soul, gives everything I have, and more, and always at my expense and I’m always the one that is broken hearted and in tears.

This is not a “oh woe is me” moment. Nope it’s just reality and in all of this I only have myself to blame. I put my heart and soul into it and I’m at fault for having high expectations. Through the past five years it took a tragedy to show me truth. To teach me life lessons and many tears shed over my expectations of friends and family. It was a very long and hard road I walked but right now I’m in the best place I could ever wish for.

I’m now in the best space of mind, body and soul I have ever been and will never allow myself to go back.

So not even grief will change my new-found strength because it was grief that got me here.

Isn’t that a mind-blowing thought?

So, as I sit here writing this, I’m feeling angry with myself for feeling guilty because I will not allow myself to go back. Of course, I feel devastated by the news and of course I will feel that sadness, and I won’t allow this to destroy a friendship that had no reason to end like it did.

I’m just saying… With a broken heart.


Be A Big Fish…

Big Fish

I recently watched the movie Big Fish with Ewan McGregor and Jessica Lange. A Tim Burton film and of course because it’s a Tim Burton film his wife Helena Bonham Carter also plays a role in this beautiful fantastical adventure of a movie. Up to now, and I could be wrong, but she has acted in every movie Tim Burton has ever directed, so while watching it the second I saw her I knew it was his movie… How’s that for dedication of a love story?

On that note Johnny Depp also plays in most of his movies too and the Godfather to their kids… A bit of trivia but totally in love with Johnny Depp and always been a fan of the eccentric Helena Bonham Carter.

Big Fish was such a wonderful story of love, adventure and, for me, perception of life seen through the eyes of a man with such an imaginative mind that after watching it the grass in my backyard looked just a little greener and the sky a little bluer.

It made me think that it’s not that we sometimes live with rose coloured glasses but rather it’s just better for our peace of mind. Reality is scary and if we expected to live in our actual reality I can’t honestly expect human kind to grow or create or innovate. We wouldn’t be able to move forward through life because we would be stuck knowing there isn’t a possible way forward with an outlook and future dreary.

Yes, it’s a stretch but after watching this movie you understand.

Ewan McGregor plays the main role and a storyteller of note, that when he falls ill near to death his son who married and with child on the way, questions his dad to tell him the truth of his life. The magnitude of his stories left doubt in his son’s mind and couldn’t accept that any of it was true. He felt embarrassed to hear the stories and thought everyone felt that way too, but couldn’t accept it was only him feeling that way. His insecurities too big to not accept the magical tales.

What actually happens is that every story he told was true he just added a bit of sparkles to, I Guess, make it more interesting to tell but it honestly was how this man saw life.

As he lived life and as he grew older those rose-tinted glasses faded and he began to see life for what it was. So instead of falling into that reality he changed it, renovated it and turned it into his rose-tinted world.

I do believe that he has the secret and it’s not the end of the world to embellish a dull story just a little. Or maybe changing our perspective and seeing and living our moments sprinkled with some sparkle then the story telling will be what it is as we lived and saw it through our sparkled eyes. There can be no room for lies but there could be a fine line of creating and living in a dream world, which could land us up in a mental institution.

It’s all about balance and keeping us motivated and happy to get through each day.

Doesn’t that sound like exactly what we need?

So why not live and enjoy your life with some added fairy dust.


Call me…

This piece has been in my drafts for a year now and decided to publish it, clearly at the time I was not playing well with others and wrote this.

Call me crazy, I will shake your hand and thank you…

Call me weird, I will invite you to a night of Clock Work Orange…

Call me dark or demented, I will let you visit my mind so you can see the demons play…

Call me a psychopath, I will greet you in Harley Quinn style “nice to meet ya”…

Call me twisted, I will invite you to ride the merry go round with me…

Call me whatever you want but I have been known to not react to being called Ice Queen, Heart of Stone, Fake, Heart Breaker, Liar, Unloyal, Heartless, Mentally Unstable, Trashy and a Tart. Oh, and I will introduce you to the people who made me this way.

The tears will dry and my heart will heal and for now I reserve the right to be one of the above at some point in my life when dealing with others. If you don’t like it or you feel I’m treating you in this manner, then you are obviously one of them and you’d better walk away.

Dealing with the devil and being played by the gamers can only show me how to play back and how to handle you. I have seen it all, heard all the lies and I decide when not to play.

There are the awesome others who have been through the same, hopefully not as many as me, lol. Your awesomeness will make you who you are and no one can take that from you.

Just be you, as I am being me…


Westworld… Reality of a alternate work

I found a new series – Westworld…

A combination of The Matrix and A Million Ways To Die In The West. Basically, and very slim on the details as I just started watching it. remember The Matrix where humans are actually controlled by alien type machines, our reality is engineered and for example our usual day to day of waking up and off to work, come home, family time and sleep is actually us laying in a cocoon-like chamber connected to this machine that with our body temperature creates energy to exist and live in our reality that doesn’t exist. Mind-blowing, I know…

A Million Ways To Die In The West, it kind of reminds me of it because of all the eccentricities and crazy in the movie, definitely has the same eccentricities of Westworld. I could add a few more but these stood out. 
So, imagine you enter a world like partaking in a game or acting in a movie and live in this world as if you always belonged the crazy part is the inhabitants of this world have no idea it’s all a game for the wealthy to live to the fullest. They have carte Blanche too do as they please, which of course involves murder, rape and carnage… so predictable of us humans. Forbidden fruit that’s why. 
Each day the inhabitants awake to the same day, with the same dialogue, going about their same routine but with very different endings… Groundhog Day situation. The visitors/guests interact with the inhabitants and are free to do whatever, whenever and to whoever. Some of the guests are either lonely or bored or they prefer this alternate world, in some cases the visitor falls in love with the inhabitants and visit as many times as they want. Going back to fulfil the same role they chose to play or go back each time changing that outcome each time, good or bad. The inhabitants never remember the visitors, so every encounter is a first encounter. One of the visitors regularly visits to consistently cause harm and torment. So, think 50 First Dates where Adam Sandler spends every day reintroducing himself to his love Drew Barrymore because she has short term memory loss. Well this is the same concept except the Adam Sandler part is played by an evil man who rapes and torments her on every meeting, him remembering every previous time and her in shocked oblivion because of her non-existent memories. Yes, it’s a generated world with inhabitants who aren’t real, but they don’t know this so every event is reality to them. 

You wonder when reality and this alternate-world begin and end. There is always that fine line in life especially when you are given too many options, like having your cake and eating it too except the one is more tantalizing then the other. 
It’s actually quiet an interesting concept that this series is based on and I wonder if our lives would be less chaotic and free of disaster. Imagine satisfying our cravings through an alternate world, always coming back to our actual reality and in this perfect world there would be constant peace and harmony… but for how long?
Human nature, the constant battle between good and evil. Ever evolving opinions and mindset that has no limits. There is no control so what’s after the alternate world when we become bored and need another craving satisfied.
Of course, all good things come to an end as you watch this interactive amusement park fall apart. Visitors that don’t want to leave the alternate world, a trigger-happy cowboy who shoots dead all the inhabitants of the town ending the day with other visitors not having anyone to interact with ruining the experience for them. Or the glitch that the inhabitants are beginning to either malfunction or start remembering. Where the daily routine of their scripted lives are beginning to change the more they remember the past visits or visitors. Imagine remembering you dying over and over again, murdered by the same person every time in the most brutal way? Or the inhabitants with full recognition warn the other inhabitants… chaos and turmoil on every corner. Literally. 
We are the beginning and end of our lives, of who we are, and always having choices and the freedom to decide where we want to be. We choose what is right or wrong, which means we have to take responsibility for ourselves, because we can’t go blaming machines or aliens or people controlling our thoughts on alternate worlds like Westworld or cocoons like The Matrix. 
In the meantime, I will sit captivated by Westworld and the concept that intrigues my senses and keeps me wondering.
I’m just sayingXxx

The Chloé Talk 101

I had an epiphany the other night, so crazy it left Ragnar and I in stiches. Me in hysterics and Ragnar wondering once again if I had lost the plot. I can still see his face lost in translation watching me waffle on about Chloé and Pigeons.

So as awesome, lovable and good natured Miss Chloé is, obedience is her fail point and trying to discipline her is like working on a project day in and out, blood sweat and tears only to find out at deadline moment the client decided on a different direction. All that time and energy and in the end completely futile… honesty was the best way to describe it.

Chloé is spoilt and, yes as mentioned through my blogs, has taken the role of my child, my only child as I don’t have kids of my own. I’m the parent of a four-legged fluff ball, who gets away with murder and rules the house… Ragnar and Miss Chloé have finally come to a mutual respect for each other, though showing who’s boss is still a game they play. It just adds to the comedy in our lives.

So back to this particular night which was last week, sick with flu which has been doing its rounds at the office and at dying point. I don’t usually visit the doc unless its DEFCON 1, I also don’t take tablets for every little thing. This day was DEFCON 1 and meds were demanded.

I now know why I had to take the meds before bedtime , half an hour to be exact and feeling so sorry for myself I was not waiting another second and took the tablet around 5.

It then dawned upon me that Chloé is not disobedient or naughty, I really think she doesn’t understand human talk. The pigeons on our roof keep her well entertained and the only time she sits up right and silent on best behavior wining and moaning in reply back to the pigeons… call me crazy but to get Chloé to sit, then sit still, for half an hour is not even worth the effort. 5am the pigeons arrive and it’s a whole day affair of communicating. Even the Kiewiet in the park protecting its eggs when it senses danger near them, is the moment Chloé gets her lazy bum up, with such determination and vigour she rearranges the house on exit to investigate, almost repositioning the sliding door with security gate onto the boundary precast wall. It’s insane and not very humorous when a trip to the bathroom or drink of water ends up with bumps and bruises and a mouthful of profanities which only a bumped baby toe can produce.

It’s an occurrence we experience every night, that we now tuned in with Kiwiet bird so already in preparation to calm the madness down. Unfortunately, the pigeons are the worst and still cannot predict or get use to this 15kg border collie lunging from her bed in one quick swift jump up onto our beds, at full force and worst of all not just landing on the bed but always and without fail landing solidly on our legs or the painful nether regions. She doesn’t move until her chat with pigeons are done and only then jumps back into her bed and falls back into her doggy dream sleep like nothing’s happened. This can go on 3 to 4 times a night. My only sanity is believing this abrupt disturbance at random times is her being guard dog and bravely protecting us against the danger and carnage occurring on our thatch roof. The pigeon nightly shuffle. However, I have noticed that planes on the Red Eye route encourage the same chaotic reaction.

The dogs can bark, gates and or doors slam and she won’t move an inch. Let that Kiewiet bird run around screeching in alertness and Chloé takes notice.

Don’t even get me started when it’s thunder storms and lightning, there is absolutely no sleep. Chloé goes mental and have to ensure she doesn’t dash outside because she runs around the pool barking at the sky. Some music or TV and a whole lot of comforting Chloé is all we can do to keep her calm.

I know that you thinking are you mad in allowing it but like I said she is my child and admittedly takes huge advantage as it’s the only time Chloé lets you hold her… unless you are Ragnar who gets all the love and attention but that’s another story.

Back to the pigeons and Kiewiet birds and by now we realise these meds are definitely to blame for these insane thoughts with me trying to convince Ragnar, speaking pigeon just might get her attention to listen to us… and just maybe finally teach her obedience. lol

I’m just saying…


Dust If You Must!

This is a poem I saw on LinkedIn and couldn’t believe the effect it had on me. 

How we spend our time creating this perfect picture of perception, missing out on life. 

I know those who would easily spend a weekend spring cleaning top too bottom, and they call that fun, they call that OCD.

Call it what you want and no judgment at all, I think I’m just grateful that little speck of dust, isn’t going to be my reason for missing a spec of life… Very grateful indeed, 

I’m just saying 

My Jet Setting Life of a Cargo Travel Agent…

These flights to Durban are so quick I mean 8:10 am board and arrive 50 min later. Short, sweet and to the point. A quick in and out or maybe all in a day’s work.

I was saying yesterday how crazy and even though I love the work I do, being a cargo travel agent is no fair if I can’t ship myself around the world.

It’s not ok that the long-stemmed glassware or crystal embossed vase gets to experience the life of Czech Republic while nursing an Absinthe hangover from the previous night’s party.

Or the Raw Silk Scarves bustling with the who’s who of the fashion world in Milan, roaming the city of love and amore…

My heart yearns to experience these worldly adventures.

So, in the meantime I will keep planning those lazy days on the beach sipping cocktails, or skipping down Abbey Road. A tear of appreciation at Jim Morrison’s tomb stone in Paris.

Wherever or whatever I will keep moving forward and love every second of my short trips to Durban or Cape Town.  Then again, I could settle into a Container and Export myself to wherever our resources are needed and takes me; desperate times called for desperate measures… Lol

You never know because that road less travelled never made my book shelf so I will keep on the road ‘till I’m worn out…

I’m just saying


The Persuit Of Happiness

Watching the movie “The Pursuit Of Happiness”. You know the one with Will Smith as Chris Gardner, alongside Jaden Smith as Christopher Gardner, his son both on and off screen. The one movie I have to admit where they both played an outstanding role together.

“The Pursuit Of Happiness”, hit our screens in 2006. I heard all the hype but it was only after I watched an episode of Oprah where Chris Gardner himself was a guest, enticed me to watch it. So tonight, as I watched this movie, and having seen it before, was very much still effected by the story. I remember very well that intensity of humbleness and gratefulness the first time I watched, and how nothing should be taken for granted…

So 12 years later, while flicking through the channels saw the name and flurry of mixed emotions took over. Ragnar hadn’t seen it so without a doubt knowing it’s effect I knew that we had to watch it. Once again without a doubt, this profound story had me as it did the first-time round, touching not only my heart but also reaching down, pulling from the depths of my soul. The intensity 1,000 times more than I ever felt.

That overwhelming thought of how this man could wake up each day, though when you watch you notice how little sleep he actually gets. How he starts and ends each day filled with motivation and the will to endure every day with insane determination to survive. For him or for his son, or for both of them… His survival mode dictated his every thought and every move and always with good intentions and honest heart, even at the worst of worst times.

If you haven’t seen this movie, I would urge you to immediately. Yes, it will pull on those heart strings, and hit you hard with a reality check. Go watch it.

So in a nutshell here is brief overview, though I know my summary of this movie will not do it any justice.

It’s a real-life tell all story, of a man Chris Gardner, who having lost everything and I mean everything. With the undying love for his son after his wife left, through determination, builds himself up by doing an internship as a stock broker for 6 months without earning 1 cent. That’s the pre-happy part of the movie, because before he got to that decision of being an intern and through those 6 months, it was gut wrenching hard.

While watching it you feel your heart reaching out in agony because like I said no one can endure that much… Yet he did because he had perseverance, Vision, determination and gumption.

I look at Ragnar, tears streaming down my face and say “makes you feel sick at how we complain about our lives, doesn’t it?”, of course he agrees, after watching such a movie.

We do, don’t we? I mean every little thing, just seems to bring on an emotion of unhappiness or irritation. Or we feel unsatisfied and disillusioned and expectations so high, even the things that once made us smile or appreciate, we simply oversee it and miss those little gifts.

I honestly don’t blame us feeling this way, not completely. I’m also not saying it’s ok to feel like this. I’m just saying, we unfortunately are living through dark times. Like that single brightly coloured flower growing out of the concrete jungle pavement. You can’t miss it, it’s there, in all its colourful abundance so why are we missing our little abundant moments, filled with colours that help us through our grey clouded minds?

… because we are pushing at full steam ahead and not stopping to take note. Moving too quickly to notice the little things in life.

Something to be said about Chris Gardner. His rock bottom hit rock bottom over and over and over again. He still showed positiveness, lived it and breathed it and so much so you can’t help feeling overwhelmed and exhausted for him. Not once did he show anyone how defeated he was almost feeling and not once did he complain or blame anyone for where he was in his life. In actual fact if you think about it, would he have been driven to be a stock broker, if he wasn’t in that desperate place of his life. The constant perseverance of taking every opportunity to convince Jay Twistle played by Brian Howe, the man driving the red sports car who was the man behind the motivation to become a stock broker. He just wanted that Interview, to show Jay Twistle never judge a book by its cover.

You see not only was Chris Gardner, motivated and a positive force to be reckoned with but was blessed with an above average IQ, which he knew but again very humble about it. Not only first in his classes at school but in everything he took part in or put his mind to. It was the Rubik’s Cube and ride in the taxi with Jay Twistle that convinced Twistle he was worth interviewing for that internship, to earn that type of money to drive his own red sports car.

Obviously it wasn’t about the sports car but he knew when he owned one it would mean he was set on his life and money would not be an issue.

Money has become our motivation and that’s not a good or bad thing. Generally bad, because money, whether we agree or not, is evil and motivates the wrong people to want money in the wrong way. However, it’s also good because we can use it to motivate us in a good way, to work hard, to persevere and to strive at being the best we can be.

It’s all we want in the end is to be the best we can be… We just have to find the good behind the evil. The perseverance, motivation and strength behind the judgement, criticism and negativity we face everyday.

Find that strength and nothing can stand in your way.

Chris Gardner


Not my monkey not my circus!

They say it’s essential to keep toxic people out of your life especially if you are trying to live in peace and serenity.

If they make you unhappy or knowing that being in their company is going to cause you distress, then walk away.

Those constant discussions, and disagreements, that knowing of the inevitable ending of a failed resolution. It goes on and on like a stuck record at a stoner party, you can hear the constant note play over and over again but to listless to move it on. Not that I personally experienced a stoner party, but pretty much can visualize a 70s-party scene, way before my partying time.

It doesn’t matter who these people in your life are, the realization of not getting anywhere in resolving issues, has to force a decision in avoidance all together or keep going back in the hope of a different outcome… Really? I mean I amaze myself at how many times I can go down the same road, knowing full well it won’t turn out well, yet getting so upset at the outcome due to the ridiculous expectations I set.

Totally my fault of course, I take full responsibility due to my constant faith in hoping for a different outcome.

So, after the umpteenth time of frustration and tears and surprise nor the outcome I anticipated, enough was enough. Time for withdrawing myself from the situation and hurt.

So, after my final brush of tears from my already drenched cheeks… Wish it was that easy, decided I needed to pull away and break those bonds. Then with more frustration realised I had no idea how I was going to achieve this. I sat there for what felt like an eternity but was really only 5 Min, in complete silence and disbelief, that for the first time ever I had absolutely no idea what to do. Poor Ragnar with concern on his face, due to the too quiet moment I found myself in, probably thought I was heading for a complete meltdown as I just sat staring into space.

“I have no idea how to pullback” I mumble. The look of instant relief across Ragnar’s face that my possible melt down was just me having a quiet thought… Lol kak funny as I write this, Ragnar needs a medal for days like this.

Honestly though, no clue how to even begin as the situation is of a delicate nature.

So up to now and couple hours later I have managed to avoided a possible crises conversation. I’m going to keep reminding myself that taking one day at a time is the best I can do, because in this case, walking away completely, and due to circumstances, cannot be done right now. So, for now avoid discussions that I know will be chaotic, keep positive and always move forward.

All I’m saying… Lord please give me strength and Ragnar patience because we are all going to need it… Lol