Remember the days at school? Growing up, feeling vulnerable and naive to the world, the feelings and the expectations of what your life has in store for you?
Remember that first crush you had with that boy or girl, too popular for you, and you never moved in the same circles and you were too deathly shy to even let on that you liked them.
Then the awkward stage starts where you can’t even look at them without blushing or hiding away. Your silliness making you look even sillier in their eyes because firstly they don’t even know you exist and secondly you just look stupid looking stupid which alienates you even further from them…
Those cruel awkward moment that we all lived through and not just for a day or a week but a whole school year or two.
I remember my first crush, primary school and he hung around with the brother of my best friend who we all hung around together and it was torture. This boy couldn’t even look at me or ask me a question or even just say hello and my cheeks would inflame, my legs become weak and I just burst out laughing, I looked ridiculously retarded and in no way was he ever going to like me. I threw myself into my books and whenever we “hung” out, I just remained quiet and shy and that is how everyone knew me.
When I got to high school that was even worse, he was in std 9 and I was in std 6… oh the hell that I went through for two and half years was beyond comprehensible. Not only was he a crush, but was friends with the friends that I grew up with and just happened to live next door to my cousin/best friend. Lol come to think of it they all enjoyed teasing me about him and well at least I can say I gave them all something to laugh about a school. I think he actually found out I did like him but I was still that shy ridiculous school girl that would still stammer and stutter on every word, would die of red inflamed cheeks and silly giggles… I was just a complicated mess really and the whole period of having a crush at school was not as fun as what its made out to be.
No eating, no spending time with my parents, just hibernating in my room listening to pathetic love songs, reading pathetic teenage love books and wishing and dreaming that this boy would even realize I existed.
So, years later and very much well into my adulthood with so much confidence it now scares the boys or should I say men away… lol no just kidding. Still all these years later and at 40 I find myself back where I started with a crush, where I twirl my hair when he talks to me or looks at me, I giggle ridiculously at the stupidest of things, I still blush like I did as a young girl maybe even more so now and honestly the things I say and do are just plain silly… what’s different… well I have more confidence, my crush knows I like him and without hiding behind my books and listening to love songs I am talking to him and telling him exactly how I feel.
So now I know why Foreigner has been playing in my head and apparently everyday on my iPhone and I now know why I feel so ridiculously happy with life.
I like having a crush at 40 and still feeling like school girl …
XXX