The Lost Years…

Those feelings of sadness, loss and anger. Those feelings we think we have overcome with each passing year. Just when you think you’ve won! That battel of emotions toying with your mind and heart, with no control over it, like a puppet on a string. Darkness has come to Play with a menacing delight at my turmoil, to poke at my thoughts and create that fear of forgotten tears.

Yeah, I’m pretty pissed that my life got effected by a suicide that altered my perception. Broke my heart and soul and threw me into a frenzy of terrible decisions and horrible choices.

Except of course this last year… Not only the 5-year anniversary of a death, but a wonderful 1 year anniversary of a “never saw it coming” very blessed relationship.

I felt the change within those first 3 months of this year. Sadness became non-existent, memories became a scrapbook of my past. Even when I spoke about him, it was positive and the funny stories replaced the anger stories and gradually “missing him” become part of that scrap book too. Ragnar was definitely a God send. I felt raw, open and vulnerable to this relationship, not negatively but almost like the first-time feelings. All the anxiety, tears and complete loss for life was disappearing and eventually died. Just like his decision to die so did my sorrow. A decision to let it all go and to experience a complete fresh start.

It’s been pretty awesome. The vulnerability of my emotions was a complete change for me and I felt free of the burdens and heaviness of that lose which I was living with for the past 4 years.

So, the rush of unexpected emotions and tears of the past 3 days have left me feeling very unnerved and blindsided.

Sunday night became a flurry of tears. Not one or two tear drops like so many times previously. Nope this was full sobbing, snot-en-trane. Which caught me by surprise. I had to force myself to feel what had brought this on.

Complete anger, disappointment and sadness. It felt like nothing I ever felt before and the more I soul searched the more It became clearer… For the first time, on the anniversary of his death I wasn’t shedding a tear over a fond memory of him and another tear because I missed him. This time I was sobbing over me. My emotions, my feelings, how this terrible event had an effect on my life that fills me with anger and disappointment.

I’m just hoping this is a part of the grieving process, but isn’t anger the first step?

I’m just saying

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