Did you ever get to that moment in life, the one that leaves you sleepless at nights. That leave you anxious and breathless? That rips at the very core of your soul where you feel lost and hopeless? Where you realize if nothing is done about it or the situation not immediately rectified then all hell on your already chaotic life will break loose and the reality of surviving it is comprehensible.
2:56am the moment of clarity has plagued my mind leaving me feeling the dreaded thought of WTF… Now of course these disastrous nights are not new to me, but very far and few between so when they happen it’s not a case of right time to solve world hunger or world peace oh no of course not this is the time to ponder about my ever broken heart which I drag through the madness of what my expectations are and what the reality of it is.
After my last adventure I decided finally and honestly and cannot believe finally it’s happening and finally I am yearning for a break to spend time on my own. This insatiable need to be loved and appreciated has gotten to the brink of destruction within myself that can only lead to a road of no return, where whats right and wrong wouldn’t matter because I wouldn’t know the difference.
The worst about all this is it took the falling in love of what I been forever searching for to bring me to this point. The heartache the heartbreak, the tears the broken the damage and the constant putting together of my persistent heart brought me to the place I was yearning for. Short lived and epic failure and the reason… misconception of a parallel universe that I was living in, that I couldn’t fix or change or work out or rectify. A world where forgiveness is non existent and a misunderstanding of chaotic thoughts and words ruled. The first love I found that made my heart scream for more and my tummy sing for the butterflies was swiftly taken from me as quickly as it was found.
It was the madness of living in a world of Alice in Wonderland, lost in the confusion of what if and what could have been to never been at all. To feel the heartache and gut wrenching heartbreak consume my every thought and feeling is definitely a game that the Cheshire Cat was having way too much fun with. Drink Me! Eat Me! Yes too much fun was had at my expense and Alice is more lost now and more heartbroken now then ever before. Wonderland, a place of infinite hopes and dreams, that making any wish come true is of the past and certainly never to be journeyed there for a while. In short Alice is going on a holiday away from Wonderland. Alice has left the building!
Those tears, that gut wrenching heartache and the yearning to feel even a moment of that intense love… sigh… All gone and even as i write this i’m feeling the solitude of my heart feeling lost and confused and alone. These broken wings have been trying to learn to fly and learn to love so free, and it’s something I love about me. However the free love took me to a place that has left my wings not only broken but singed, repair work in play once again and the inevitable question… can what broke you fix you? Definitely! It’s about taking that chance, getting to know me getting to know you and working together to just find out if all that heartache and all those tears and all those misunderstandings were worth it. In the end I am worth the fight, I am worth the chaos that comes with loving me, because with a little bit of madness love does make the world go round and i’m in love with our love.
So for now it’s about time and they say time heals everything and never finding that feeling again that was so short lived may never be found with him again… it’s I guess leaving it all up to fate and what will be will be.
So goodbye my almost lover, goodbye my almost friend… I will love you always, forever and more.
In Love With Our Love
XXX