Anyone who says “time heals” when you lose a loved one, maybe hasn’t really been through such a terrible ordeal and in no way, could they understand how hard it is to lose someone you loved, truly loved. This person who you made a choice to be with, to give you heart and soul to, deciding to spend the rest of your life together. Loving each other unconditionally and becoming a partnership that trumps all other relationships and becoming one.
Death is unforeseen in most cases. Clinton’s death was suicide. In Death we start making peace that God has made the choice to take that person from our lives, that it’s almost acceptable and maybe makes it a little bit easier to start the healing process knowing they in a better place or whatever it is we tell ourselves in order to deal with the loss. Suicide is something that no one can comprehend. It carries the dark emotions and feelings of anger, hatred, betrayal and not being able to forgive him or me. His decision left behind the questions of Why? Why? Why? Why? In Clinton’s case I had all the answers but even knowing beforehand doesn’t make it any easier. ‘If you loved me why did you leave knowing it would break my heart’? “Did you want to hurt me so badly it would be stuck with me forever?” These ever consuming questions. With that comes the feeling of abandonment, regret and guilt. No matter how many times you hear those words from family and friends and even strangers that it’s not your fault or don’t blame yourself, to make you feel better it’s a lot easier said than done because how can you not. You have no one to answer the questions so you sit day in and day out mulling it over in your mind as to why? I was there a week before it happened, I begged I pleaded I tried to stop it. I always think I could have done that little bit more.
The end was chaos, the threats the tears the anger the fighting the distress it consumes you until one day you just shout “it’s enough if you going to do it do it”… yip those words. They have haunted me and they play over and over in my thoughts like a melody that never wants me to forget.
So, four years later and still completely in love though something has changed, finally acceptance. Four years of anger and tears and hatred and just thought consuming sadness. it’s not like I can pick up the phone and scream and shout at him to get some nagging issue off my chest. I can’t say I miss you or I love you and he says those words back. How I miss hearing those words …
I have accepted Clinton is gone, I have forgiven him for thinking it was OK to make a decision like that which ultimately broke me. I have forgiven myself because I wasn’t to blame, no matter how many times I have relived those days over and over there was nothing I could have done. I actually am annoyed because I think what a silly fool he was to leave like that and so sudden. He could have overcome the obstacles and everything would have been fine. He really would be laughing about those hard times today.
I have tried to self-destruct, I have put myself in situations where I know I will be hurt, but its only because of the pain I was carrying around. Anyone with a good heart I pushed far away because why would I want them to wallow in my self-pity with me, those people would not have understood but I pushed away because I cared and it was much easier to be around broken.
I think of the scene in the Twilight Saga, New Moon which is the 2nd book where Edward leaves Bella because he is trying to protect her and she puts herself in all these bad situations, because like the first time they got together Bella was in a situation and Edward saved her. So she kept hoping he would save her again, by putting herself in dangerous situations. She becomes so obsessed with wanting to see him again that she creates this phantom image of him which appears when she is unsafe to give her comfort in seeing him. She continued putting herself in danger just to see this vision of him. That is pretty much what I have been doing, except my comfort comes from the hurt I feel each time I’m in a situation, to feel that pain and that hurt because I felt I didn’t deserve the happiness. It has gradually been subsiding and I have decided it’s time to put that pain to rest.
I know now that I deserve better, I deserve to be happy and I can move forward. I have got to the point now where instead of saying such horrible things about Clinton only because I was so angry, I find myself now talking about the good times, how awesome he was and that mind of his was something to be admired. Everyone he met he had an impact on, and always leaving some memory of epic proportions behind with them.
So, on this fourth year of his death, and things have got better and yes time will heal but there is no limit to the time we have to mourn. I’m not looking for another Clinton because there is no one like him in this world, nor will I ever compare anyone to him, but I will always have him in my heart never to be forgotten. I have also grown and changed so whoever I meet will be different I’m sure, someone I can enjoy the next journey of my life with.
I’m proud of how far I have come, those hair-raising moments still scare me. I still so much want to see him again and cannot wait for the day that I do, feel those big bear hugs and hear I love you just one more time. That right there is why I am still here, I could not do that do that to my mom and dad, I could not put them through the pain I have felt, because I do not wish this heartache on anyone and I’m just glad I survived it.
Thank you, Clinton, for giving me 10 years of your life. I have learnt so much from you and all I can say is you definitely equipped me with the tools and most definitely the attitude to face each day in this crazy life.
I miss you and I love you and until we meet again
XXX