Month: November 2017

I mean this is something I have believed to be true for a long time. Seeing that I have loved and lived almost every possible scenario why not try this. What is km when you talking about love?

My first apprehension is meeting face to face and seeing if there is a spark is definitely the first step into a relationship, so ok you chat to someone and you create an image of what you think he or she is all about and when you meet you hope the nearness of the reality check upon meeting them is close as dammit.

Like on line dating I have to come to realise that anything virtual is not a reality we want. Stories are made up and characters created, so in the end you falling for words and conversation at the gamble that when you meet the chemistry will come alive.

Everyone I told that I was doing this said that same thing, “long distance does not work” and it’s true.

Maybe in situations where you meet before hand and you know the chemistry is there and the chat and build the emotions from there.. And yes pretty sure there are a few people who haven’t met physically and meet over the technological way and that works for them.

Then there is the logistics of when you able to see each other and how often. What about trust and the other person not leading a double life or cheating, “while the cats away…” What if?

All I know is I tried it and no it doesn’t work for me. I want that physical connection and if I need to see that person then I can see them face to face. We need that hug on a bad day or just a kiss ans touch to feel love and I cannot rely on technology to give that to me.

I guess it’s just one of those things and in the end I know what will work for me and what won’t. And this one doesn’t.

XXX

If I lived my life everyday believing in love then it would definitely give me the reason to live everyday.

No matter the challenge, no matter the obstacles, if love is in your heart you just overcome it all.

I have try to define love and put it into categories and yes if love is love how do you compartmentalise it?  I think you can and I have done that… Through my life, my ups and downs, my crush and my true love or my not so true love.  My parents, my friends my dogs… They all very different and I think we get so caught up in the aspect of what we think love is or what we been told it is as apposed to what it actually is.

Parental, siblings and family love:
Now my experience is that my mom and dad are my life. Three Musketeers and family unit no one can break through.  Why? Well I’m an only child and not by choice, we lost my older sister to a car accident 2 years before I was born and when she was only 16 months. I was born and my mom could not have anymore. The tragedy of course brought sorrow and a yearning to have wanted to feel what having a sister was all about but it wasn’t so and instead gave me the gift of having two parents who became my friends and allies too.  Yes we fight and yes there are always disagreements, expected if you going to raise a head strong girl lol.  They my life and the love I have for them is beyond any idea of what it’s supposed to be.

Crush love:
Remember the guy or girl at school or maybe it was the neighbor or a friend of a friend, but it’s the love we felt when we were at school. The crush love… Lol I had this one in primary school and one in high school. Awkward is not the word and wow it was my most embarrassing time ever. Of course they knew I existed because I put myself into situations where they had to have known, or I had friends who relentlessly teased me about it and made them know lol… it was fun times now that I think about it but at the time so horrid in awkwardness that even if they did know, my blithering, giggling, silly, blushing ridiculousness would chase them away.  They thought I was exactly that a silly little girl. Years later I also found out being a virgin until I was 18 also kept the boys away.  Which if I look at it now am very grateful but at the time thought I was a degenerate outcast…. Ai ai ai… Even while writing this I’m shaking my head. The crush years of couldn’t even sleep or eat or do anything I was just that… A silly little girl.

First boyfriend, husband love:
Majority of the time first boyfriends are when we into our 16 years to 18 years phase, majority of the time that is and I’m speaking from experience. We meet the boy and we fall in love… Where future plans and marriage is talked about and happily ever after.

Right so here we go.. A little more detail here… I’ve been married 3 times… Yip I said it and wow have I kept that a secret for a long time.

Husband 1:  first true love and also first boy to live with and dum dum dum loose my virginity to.  Dated, got engaged, moved in and got married all by the age of 22.  Met him when I was 17 he was 21 nice age gap and everything was perfect. Well not exactly…he didn’t want kids and I did, added to that friends interfering, too many late nights partying separately and eventually lead to a divorce. I’m still sad about this even though we forgave each other but hey life moves on and at 24 did just that.

Husband 2: oh deary me.  In s nutshell it was 4 years of hell. I lived through physical, mental and emotional abuse. He was a rebound that went so wrong I ended up loving a man out of fear.  He made me so dependant him I couldn’t do anything without him giving me permission.  Total nightmare and a love that was no butterflies in the tummy… This was almost a Munchhausen situation where the victim falls in love with the kidnapper or abuser… Yip that was me.  We got married after 4 years and while standing in that church I realised it was all wrong it was not how it was supposed to be and after a bruised and battered honeymoon got back and divorced.  Shortest marriage of only one week.  Even me as strong and independent and full of confidence and life cannot believe I put myself through this… Somehow this made me humble and I looked at life in a survival and I am strong mind set as apposed to the bratty princess I was.

Husband 3:  my knight in shinning Armour… He saved me from my torments and darkness of abuse. He was my knight on the white horse the man of my dreams who left me wondering where he had been my whole life. We had so much in common. He was my happily ever after and even envisioned us on our rocking chairs at 80 still laughing and having a good time.   Alas he had is own darkness that no matter how hard I tried to save or fix it was beyond all that. All the times I heard him tell me he would never see his 40th birthday I just kept laughing off… And after 10 years he killed himself.  In one way he saved me because to live with someone and love them unconditionally like I did was tearing me apart and on the other hand I felt the anger and the abandonment of the love of my life leaving me.    Something I wouldn’t wish upon anyone.

Heartbreak, rebound love:
This I know all too well.  After his death the numbness and abandonment that took over me was so overwhelming I put myself in situations where  I could feel the pain or just feel something.  Wow did I get myself into situations and unfortunately now sit with the idea that there are no more good people around and pretty much we live in a cruel world.  But, and yes I started my sentence with a but for all the vocabulary police lol, I grew into who I am today and even I’m proud and confident and have love for myself.

Religious love:
Born catholic and brought up in a Christian home, I was no stranger to Sunday school and church camps as a kid.  I said my prayers every night and at no point denied the existence of God or my faith.  I also grew into my spiritualism and found Wicca (white magic) and mother earth and the stars and the moon and brought it all together and it worked.  Unfortunately through my darkness and people I lost the faith in God and even in my spiritualism and until last year was so lost and so abandoned within myself I just couldn’t be around anymore.  A moment of desperation and Devine intervention and begged my mom to help me find a minister.  2 months of sessions and breaking of past bonds and I found my faith again. The love I have for God and the Universe is so magical and so beyond comprehension.   I’m not a Bible basher I do not go to church and yes I do blaspheme but I know where I stand with God. I know the commitment I made to him and his promise to me and nothing can take that away from me. Nothing… I love God!

To be continued…