Category: I’m Just Saying

If I lived my life everyday believing in love then it would definitely give me the reason to live everyday.

No matter the challenge, no matter the obstacles, if love is in your heart you just overcome it all.

I have try to define love and put it into categories and yes if love is love how do you compartmentalise it?  I think you can and I have done that… Through my life, my ups and downs, my crush and my true love or my not so true love.  My parents, my friends my dogs… They all very different and I think we get so caught up in the aspect of what we think love is or what we been told it is as apposed to what it actually is.

Parental, siblings and family love:
Now my experience is that my mom and dad are my life. Three Musketeers and family unit no one can break through.  Why? Well I’m an only child and not by choice, we lost my older sister to a car accident 2 years before I was born and when she was only 16 months. I was born and my mom could not have anymore. The tragedy of course brought sorrow and a yearning to have wanted to feel what having a sister was all about but it wasn’t so and instead gave me the gift of having two parents who became my friends and allies too.  Yes we fight and yes there are always disagreements, expected if you going to raise a head strong girl lol.  They my life and the love I have for them is beyond any idea of what it’s supposed to be.

Crush love:
Remember the guy or girl at school or maybe it was the neighbor or a friend of a friend, but it’s the love we felt when we were at school. The crush love… Lol I had this one in primary school and one in high school. Awkward is not the word and wow it was my most embarrassing time ever. Of course they knew I existed because I put myself into situations where they had to have known, or I had friends who relentlessly teased me about it and made them know lol… it was fun times now that I think about it but at the time so horrid in awkwardness that even if they did know, my blithering, giggling, silly, blushing ridiculousness would chase them away.  They thought I was exactly that a silly little girl. Years later I also found out being a virgin until I was 18 also kept the boys away.  Which if I look at it now am very grateful but at the time thought I was a degenerate outcast…. Ai ai ai… Even while writing this I’m shaking my head. The crush years of couldn’t even sleep or eat or do anything I was just that… A silly little girl.

First boyfriend, husband love:
Majority of the time first boyfriends are when we into our 16 years to 18 years phase, majority of the time that is and I’m speaking from experience. We meet the boy and we fall in love… Where future plans and marriage is talked about and happily ever after.

Right so here we go.. A little more detail here… I’ve been married 3 times… Yip I said it and wow have I kept that a secret for a long time.

Husband 1:  first true love and also first boy to live with and dum dum dum loose my virginity to.  Dated, got engaged, moved in and got married all by the age of 22.  Met him when I was 17 he was 21 nice age gap and everything was perfect. Well not exactly…he didn’t want kids and I did, added to that friends interfering, too many late nights partying separately and eventually lead to a divorce. I’m still sad about this even though we forgave each other but hey life moves on and at 24 did just that.

Husband 2: oh deary me.  In s nutshell it was 4 years of hell. I lived through physical, mental and emotional abuse. He was a rebound that went so wrong I ended up loving a man out of fear.  He made me so dependant him I couldn’t do anything without him giving me permission.  Total nightmare and a love that was no butterflies in the tummy… This was almost a Munchhausen situation where the victim falls in love with the kidnapper or abuser… Yip that was me.  We got married after 4 years and while standing in that church I realised it was all wrong it was not how it was supposed to be and after a bruised and battered honeymoon got back and divorced.  Shortest marriage of only one week.  Even me as strong and independent and full of confidence and life cannot believe I put myself through this… Somehow this made me humble and I looked at life in a survival and I am strong mind set as apposed to the bratty princess I was.

Husband 3:  my knight in shinning Armour… He saved me from my torments and darkness of abuse. He was my knight on the white horse the man of my dreams who left me wondering where he had been my whole life. We had so much in common. He was my happily ever after and even envisioned us on our rocking chairs at 80 still laughing and having a good time.   Alas he had is own darkness that no matter how hard I tried to save or fix it was beyond all that. All the times I heard him tell me he would never see his 40th birthday I just kept laughing off… And after 10 years he killed himself.  In one way he saved me because to live with someone and love them unconditionally like I did was tearing me apart and on the other hand I felt the anger and the abandonment of the love of my life leaving me.    Something I wouldn’t wish upon anyone.

Heartbreak, rebound love:
This I know all too well.  After his death the numbness and abandonment that took over me was so overwhelming I put myself in situations where  I could feel the pain or just feel something.  Wow did I get myself into situations and unfortunately now sit with the idea that there are no more good people around and pretty much we live in a cruel world.  But, and yes I started my sentence with a but for all the vocabulary police lol, I grew into who I am today and even I’m proud and confident and have love for myself.

Religious love:
Born catholic and brought up in a Christian home, I was no stranger to Sunday school and church camps as a kid.  I said my prayers every night and at no point denied the existence of God or my faith.  I also grew into my spiritualism and found Wicca (white magic) and mother earth and the stars and the moon and brought it all together and it worked.  Unfortunately through my darkness and people I lost the faith in God and even in my spiritualism and until last year was so lost and so abandoned within myself I just couldn’t be around anymore.  A moment of desperation and Devine intervention and begged my mom to help me find a minister.  2 months of sessions and breaking of past bonds and I found my faith again. The love I have for God and the Universe is so magical and so beyond comprehension.   I’m not a Bible basher I do not go to church and yes I do blaspheme but I know where I stand with God. I know the commitment I made to him and his promise to me and nothing can take that away from me. Nothing… I love God!

To be continued…

Anyone who says “time heals” when you lose a loved one, maybe hasn’t really been through such a terrible ordeal and in no way, could they understand how hard it is to lose someone you loved, truly loved.  This person who you made a choice to be with, to give you heart and soul to, deciding to spend the rest of your life together.  Loving each other unconditionally and becoming a partnership that trumps all other relationships and becoming one.

Death is unforeseen in most cases.  Clinton’s death was suicide.  In Death we start making peace that God has made the choice to take that person from our lives, that it’s almost acceptable and maybe makes it a little bit easier to start the healing process knowing they in a better place or whatever it is we tell ourselves in order to deal with the loss.  Suicide is something that no one can comprehend.  It carries the dark emotions and feelings of anger, hatred, betrayal and not being able to forgive him  or me.   His decision left behind the questions of Why? Why? Why? Why?  In Clinton’s case I had all the answers but even knowing beforehand doesn’t make it any easier.  ‘If you loved me why did you leave knowing it would break my heart’? “Did you want to hurt me so badly it would be stuck with me forever?” These ever consuming questions.  With that comes the feeling of abandonment, regret and guilt.  No matter how many times you hear those words from family and friends and even strangers that it’s not your fault or don’t blame yourself, to make you feel better it’s a lot easier said than done because how can you not.  You have no one to answer the questions so you sit day in and day out mulling it over in your mind as to why?  I was there a week before it happened, I begged I pleaded I tried to stop it.  I always think I could have done that little bit more.

The end was chaos, the threats the tears the anger the fighting the distress it consumes you until one day you just shout “it’s enough if you going to do it do it”… yip those words.  They have haunted me and they play over and over in my thoughts like a melody that never wants me to forget.

So, four years later and still completely in love though something has changed, finally acceptance.  Four years of anger and tears and hatred and just thought consuming sadness.  it’s not like I can pick up the phone and scream and shout at him to get some nagging issue off my chest.  I can’t say I miss you or I love you and he says those words back.  How I miss hearing those words …

I have accepted Clinton is gone, I have forgiven him for thinking it was OK to make a decision like that which ultimately broke me.  I have forgiven myself because I wasn’t to blame, no matter how many times I have relived those days over and over there was nothing I could have done.  I actually am annoyed because I think what a silly fool he was to leave like that and so sudden.  He could have overcome the obstacles and everything would have been fine.   He really would be laughing about those hard times today.

I have tried to self-destruct, I have put myself in situations where I know I will be hurt, but its only because of the pain I was carrying around.  Anyone with a good heart I pushed far away because why would I want them to wallow in my self-pity with me, those people would not have understood but I pushed away because I cared and it was much easier to be around broken.

I think of the scene in the Twilight Saga, New Moon which is the 2^nd book where Edward leaves Bella because he is trying to protect her and she puts herself in all these bad situations, because like the first time they got together Bella was in a situation and Edward saved her.  So she kept hoping he would save her again, by putting herself in dangerous situations.  She becomes so obsessed with  wanting to see him again that she creates this phantom image  of him which appears when she is unsafe to give her comfort in seeing him.  She continued putting herself in danger just to see this vision of him.  That is pretty much what I have been doing,  except my comfort comes from the hurt I feel each time I’m in a situation, to feel that pain and that hurt because I felt I didn’t deserve the happiness.  It has gradually been subsiding and I have decided it’s time to put that pain to rest.

I know now that I deserve better, I deserve to be happy and I can move forward.  I have got to the point now where instead of saying such horrible things about Clinton only because I was so angry, I find myself now talking about the good times, how awesome he was and that mind of his was something to be admired.  Everyone he met he had an impact on, and always leaving some memory of epic proportions behind with them.

So, on this fourth year of his death, and things have got better and yes time will heal but there is no limit to the time we have to mourn.  I’m not looking for another Clinton because there is no one like him in this world, nor will I ever compare anyone to him, but I will always have him in my heart never to be forgotten.  I have also grown and changed so whoever I meet will be different I’m sure, someone I can enjoy the next journey of my life with.

I’m proud of how far I have come, those hair-raising moments still scare me.  I still so much want to see him again and cannot wait for the day that I do, feel those big bear hugs and hear I love you just one more time.   That right there is why I am still here, I could not do that do that to my mom and dad, I could not put them through the pain I have felt, because I do not wish this heartache on anyone and I’m just glad I survived it.

Thank you, Clinton, for giving me 10 years of your life.  I have learnt so much from you and all I can say is you definitely equipped me with the tools and most definitely the attitude to face each day in this crazy life.

I miss you and I love you and until we meet again

XXX

How do you even fathom the evilness of a person sabotaging a love that may or may not have been or may have had a chance but would never know because of the selfishness of a person.  Creating enough drama to get everyone’s attention to make them feel sorry for him.  No he couldn’t just let her go knowing how happy she would be, he played on the broken bits of her subconsciousness and bits of her broken bitter heart because he wanted her and her happiness meant nothing what only mattered was his.

The realization that this even can happen has to be the worst betrayal and use of a heart that I just struggle to wrap my head around.  What has happened that people actually live their lives like this… I always believed in free will and to see someone being happy because how could you watch someone who is crying inside with a heart so broken and just watch them and be happy with how miserable and broken they are.

Self sacrifice is not controlling the heart of someone you want but to set them free.  Or am I the only one who believes in this…

She sits at night and licks her wounds free of this man who took the one chance of happiness away and yes she should be happy to be away from him but to realize she was a pawn in his game of chess which he was a master at.  Teaching her the moves on those nightly games around the chess board on the dining room table, only now every minute that she is away from him she sees how every chess move was another betrayal of her love and her heart to satisfy his selfish wants and needs.

Check mate you won!!!