Category: I’m Just Saying

Did you ever get to that moment in life, the one that leaves you sleepless at nights.  That leave you anxious and breathless?  That rips at the very core of your soul where you feel lost and hopeless?  Where you realize if nothing is done about it or the situation  not immediately rectified then all hell on your already chaotic life will break loose and the reality of surviving it is comprehensible.

2:56am the moment of clarity has plagued my mind leaving me feeling the dreaded thought of WTF…  Now of course these disastrous nights are not new to me, but very far and few between so when they happen it’s not  a case of right time to solve world hunger or world peace oh no of course not this is the time to ponder about my ever broken heart which I drag through the madness of what my expectations are and what the reality of it is.

After my last adventure I decided finally and honestly and cannot believe finally it’s happening and finally I am yearning for a break to spend time on my own. This insatiable need to be loved and appreciated has gotten to the brink of destruction within myself that can only lead to a road of no return, where whats right and wrong wouldn’t matter because  I wouldn’t know the difference.

The worst about all this is it took the falling in love of what I been forever searching for to bring me to this point.  The heartache the heartbreak, the tears the broken the damage and the constant putting together of my persistent heart brought me to the place I was yearning for.  Short lived and epic failure and the reason… misconception of a parallel universe that I was living in, that I couldn’t fix or change or work out or rectify.  A world where forgiveness is non existent and a misunderstanding of chaotic thoughts and words ruled.   The first love I found that made my heart scream for more and my tummy sing for the butterflies was swiftly taken from me as quickly as it was found.

It was the madness of living in a world of Alice in Wonderland, lost in the confusion of what if and what could have been to never been at all.  To feel the heartache and gut wrenching heartbreak consume my every thought and feeling is definitely a game that the Cheshire Cat was having way too much fun with.  Drink Me! Eat Me!  Yes too much fun was had at my expense and Alice is more lost now and more heartbroken now then ever before.  Wonderland, a place of infinite hopes and dreams, that making any wish come true is of the past and certainly never to be journeyed there for a while.  In short Alice is going on a holiday away from Wonderland.  Alice has left the building!

Those tears, that gut wrenching heartache and the yearning to feel even a moment of that intense love… sigh…  All gone and even as i write this i’m feeling the solitude of my heart feeling lost and confused and alone.  These broken wings have been trying to learn to fly and learn to love so free, and it’s something I love about me.  However the free love took me to a place that has left my wings not only broken but singed, repair work in play once again and the inevitable question… can what broke  you fix you? Definitely!  It’s about taking that chance, getting to know me getting to know you and working together to just find out if all that heartache and all those tears and all those misunderstandings were worth it.  In the end I am worth the fight, I am worth the chaos that comes with loving me, because with a little bit of madness love does make the world go round and i’m in love with our love.

 

So for now it’s about time and they say time heals everything and never finding that feeling again that was so short lived may never be found with him again… it’s I guess leaving it all up to fate and what will be will be.

So goodbye my almost lover, goodbye my almost friend… I will love you always, forever and more.

 

In Love With Our Love

XXX

 

Always my rules always my way…   mmmmmmmm  ja right!

Yes my rules and my way when I put my mind to something and in no way can anyone deter me from it.  No matter how idiotic or crazy or ridiculous it is, Cindy Visser wants to do it.  In fact I should be the spokesperson for Nike “Just Do It” because damn oh damn you bet your ass I will.

So the before stages of flashing red lights, sirens blaring , alarm bells are literally ringing I can feel the headache from the clang clang, the warnings, the advice, the suggestions and the advice… all this and I still do it.

Then during stages of oh for the love of Pete, Mary and all that is sacred because right then and there the realization sets in of the epic failure and completely and totally so wrapped up in the situation that escaping only offers two choices.  Stay and well you made you bed so sleep in it, I mean how bad can it be and a quick exit to the afterlife.  Apparently when it gets to this stage just actually saying the words… sorry but this is not working, or hell no I am not doing this anymore or just saying no more, doesn’t seem to even be around when you need those words the most.  Nope stay or die…

The after stages…Oh my hat, fuck that shit, sniff sniff sniff, why didn’t I listen, I knew this was going to happen, etc etc etc because that list could go on forever.  Lick the wounds, drink a bottle of wine and call your best friend in Cape Town at 2am blithering about the once again epic failure of a mistake you just put yourself through.  I mean honestly did you expect anything less?

Well yes, and that is sad.  No matter how I hear it over and over again, or how many times I put myself through it over and over again and no matter how many times my shed those heartbreaking tears, I am still very much going to do exactly what I want to do and no one will tell me any different including myself.

It’s a chance we take and the decision lies, would you rather wither up and die not knowing or just do it and wipe those tears but hell it was an adventure. Then maybe just maybe that one moment that one day that one mistake will turn into the best decision of your life and wouldn’t have known unless you tried.

Nothing Loved Is Ever Lost…. nothing!

 

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In a space and time continuem. When all we rely on and live for is hope and dreams and the possibilities of what they will bring.  Then the possibility becomes a reality and a miracle happens.  Mankind is too self absorbed to even recognize a miracle and takes chaos, absurdity and accidents to see it.

We are human and we make mistakes and we know that, but do we actually see the miracle when it comes our way or do we thrive and live so in the chaos that we miss it.  There are miracles everywhere that we look and the trick is to actually see it and recognize it without having to endure the madness and chaos… But then again do we need that chaos to bring a miracle and that being the only way to see it as a miracle? It wouldn’t be a miracle if there wasn’t chaos or accidents in my opinion then it would just be a normal happy day with good things happening and definitely not a miracle.

“Thermodynamic miracles… events with odds against so astronomical they’re effectively impossible, like oxygen spontaneously becoming gold. I long to observe such a thing.
And yet, in each human coupling, a thousand million sperm vie for a single egg. Multiply those odds by countless generations, against the odds of your ancestors being alive; meeting; siring this precise son; that exact daughter… Until your mother loves a man she has every reason to hate, and of that union, of the thousand million children competing for fertilization, it was you, only you, that emerged. To distill so specific a form from that chaos of improbability, like turning air to gold… that is the crowning unlikelihood. The thermodynamic miracle.”
– Dr. Manhattan

Miracles are not dependent on belief, but on reality. It is dependent on the observer and vantage point. Being naked in Antartica is a death sentence, but being naked with a lover a miracle.
The question you should always ask yourself is: “How many things had to go wrong for this miracle to happen? How many things had to happen for two people to meet?”

I’m just saying…

Xxx