The Light Within

Always my rules always my way…   mmmmmmmm  ja right!

Yes my rules and my way when I put my mind to something and in no way can anyone deter me from it.  No matter how idiotic or crazy or ridiculous it is, Cindy Visser wants to do it.  In fact I should be the spokesperson for Nike “Just Do It” because damn oh damn you bet your ass I will.

So the before stages of flashing red lights, sirens blaring , alarm bells are literally ringing I can feel the headache from the clang clang, the warnings, the advice, the suggestions and the advice… all this and I still do it.

Then during stages of oh for the love of Pete, Mary and all that is sacred because right then and there the realization sets in of the epic failure and completely and totally so wrapped up in the situation that escaping only offers two choices.  Stay and well you made you bed so sleep in it, I mean how bad can it be and a quick exit to the afterlife.  Apparently when it gets to this stage just actually saying the words… sorry but this is not working, or hell no I am not doing this anymore or just saying no more, doesn’t seem to even be around when you need those words the most.  Nope stay or die…

The after stages…Oh my hat, fuck that shit, sniff sniff sniff, why didn’t I listen, I knew this was going to happen, etc etc etc because that list could go on forever.  Lick the wounds, drink a bottle of wine and call your best friend in Cape Town at 2am blithering about the once again epic failure of a mistake you just put yourself through.  I mean honestly did you expect anything less?

Well yes, and that is sad.  No matter how I hear it over and over again, or how many times I put myself through it over and over again and no matter how many times my shed those heartbreaking tears, I am still very much going to do exactly what I want to do and no one will tell me any different including myself.

It’s a chance we take and the decision lies, would you rather wither up and die not knowing or just do it and wipe those tears but hell it was an adventure. Then maybe just maybe that one moment that one day that one mistake will turn into the best decision of your life and wouldn’t have known unless you tried.

Nothing Loved Is Ever Lost…. nothing!

 

---

In a space and time continuem. When all we rely on and live for is hope and dreams and the possibilities of what they will bring.  Then the possibility becomes a reality and a miracle happens.  Mankind is too self absorbed to even recognize a miracle and takes chaos, absurdity and accidents to see it.

We are human and we make mistakes and we know that, but do we actually see the miracle when it comes our way or do we thrive and live so in the chaos that we miss it.  There are miracles everywhere that we look and the trick is to actually see it and recognize it without having to endure the madness and chaos… But then again do we need that chaos to bring a miracle and that being the only way to see it as a miracle? It wouldn’t be a miracle if there wasn’t chaos or accidents in my opinion then it would just be a normal happy day with good things happening and definitely not a miracle.

“Thermodynamic miracles… events with odds against so astronomical they’re effectively impossible, like oxygen spontaneously becoming gold. I long to observe such a thing.
And yet, in each human coupling, a thousand million sperm vie for a single egg. Multiply those odds by countless generations, against the odds of your ancestors being alive; meeting; siring this precise son; that exact daughter… Until your mother loves a man she has every reason to hate, and of that union, of the thousand million children competing for fertilization, it was you, only you, that emerged. To distill so specific a form from that chaos of improbability, like turning air to gold… that is the crowning unlikelihood. The thermodynamic miracle.”
– Dr. Manhattan

Miracles are not dependent on belief, but on reality. It is dependent on the observer and vantage point. Being naked in Antartica is a death sentence, but being naked with a lover a miracle.
The question you should always ask yourself is: “How many things had to go wrong for this miracle to happen? How many things had to happen for two people to meet?”

I’m just saying…

Xxx

Remember the days at school?  Growing up, feeling vulnerable and naive to the world, the feelings and the expectations of what your life has in store for you?

Remember that first crush you had with that boy or girl, too popular for you, and you never moved in the same circles and you were too deathly shy to even let on that you liked them.

Then the awkward stage starts where you can’t even look at them without blushing or hiding away. Your silliness making you look even sillier in their eyes because firstly they don’t even know you exist and secondly you just look stupid looking stupid which alienates you even further from them…

Those cruel awkward moment that we all lived through and not just for a day or a week but a whole school year or two.

I remember my first crush, primary school and he hung around with the brother of my best friend who we all hung around together and it was torture. This boy couldn’t even look at me or ask me a question or even just say hello and my cheeks would inflame, my legs become weak and I just burst out laughing, I looked ridiculously retarded and in no way was he ever going to like me.  I threw myself into my books and whenever we “hung” out, I just remained quiet and shy and that is how everyone knew me.

When I got to high school that was even worse, he was in std 9 and I was in std 6… oh the hell that I went through for two and half years was beyond comprehensible.  Not only was he a crush, but was friends with the friends that I grew up with and just happened to live next door to my cousin/best friend.  Lol come to think of it they all enjoyed teasing me about him and well at least I can say I gave them all something to laugh about a school.  I think he actually found out I did like him but I was still that shy ridiculous school girl that would still stammer and stutter on every word, would die of red inflamed cheeks and silly giggles… I was just a complicated mess really and the whole period of having a crush at school was not as fun as what its made out to be.

No eating, no spending time with my parents, just hibernating in my room listening to pathetic love songs, reading pathetic teenage love books and wishing and dreaming that this boy would even realize I existed.

So, years later and very much well into my adulthood with so much confidence it now scares the boys or should I say men away… lol no just kidding. Still all these years later and at 40 I find myself back where I started with a crush, where I twirl my hair when he talks to me or looks at me, I giggle ridiculously at the stupidest of things, I still blush like I did as a young girl maybe even more so now and honestly the things I say and do are just plain silly… what’s different… well I have more confidence, my crush knows I like him and without hiding behind my books and listening to love songs I am talking to him and telling him exactly how I feel.

 

 

 

 

 

So now I know why Foreigner has been playing in my head and apparently everyday on my iPhone and I now know why I feel so ridiculously happy with life.

I like having a crush at 40 and still feeling like school girl …

XXX